Re: (F) Toute Ma Vie Chapters 7 and 8 uploaded 4/10/10

[Destyne]

Title: Toute Ma Vie
Author: Destyne
Summary: This is what I think happened in the Sirius/Remus story.  It covers the 20 year history of the couple.  
Chapter Rating: PG (don't worry, it'll go up... )
Word Count: 4254
Disclaimer: If I owned Sirius and Remus neither would be dead, and neither would leave the others bed.  

Special thanks to my beta Vera, who corrects my French, has great ideas, and isn't afraid to tell me if I'm not making any sense.  

Toute Ma Vie
By Destyne


There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends
I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all
But of all these friends and lovers
there is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In My Life ~ John Lennon and Paul McCartney


Prologue

1992

    Remus awoke startled.  He'd had a dream, a horrible dream.  He hadn't had a dream like that in ages.  In his dream he was sitting in a cold cell and Dementors were surrounding him. He could hear the screams of prisoners, and see the curling paper in the fire that read, "Please, Remus, please forgive...." and the last word seemed to glow "Sirius."  

    He'd been proud that he hadn't thought of Sirius as often as he used to, though he still did more then he'd liked to.  It was getting easier for him to put his past lover out of his mind.  And some nights, with the aid of Firewhisky, he could completely forget.  And that was why he was troubled this night.  For a few days he'd had a nagging feeling; something was calling to him.  Something from his past was haunting him.

    He didn't know what it was, and if he were honest, he didn't want to know. In a dark space in the back of his mind he feared he knew.  Sirius had finally surrendered to Azkaban.  He'd finally died for the crimes he committed.  Part of Remus felt vindicated in this thought.  Sirius had taken his best friends, James, Lily and Peter.  Sirius had caused so much pain to Remus.  And yet a larger part felt sorrow at the idea that Sirius could be dead.  The feeling confused him.  He knew he'd never see Sirius again.  He'd tried all those years ago to see him, to shout at him, to blame him for taking the best years of his life and turning them into a joke. But that day Remus discovered the only way a werewolf would be allowed in the wizard prison was as a prisoner, not a visitor.

    There was still the nagging.  The nagging that Remus hated.  The nagging that it could have been a mistake.  That Sirius would never give his best friend over.  But Dumbledore had assured him it wasn't a mistake.  That his former lover had betrayed him in an unforgivable way.  And Remus hated himself for doubting that Sirius was guilty.  And he hated himself, on nights like this, for even letting his mind go there.

    He pulled himself up and out of his bed.  Slowly in the dark, he moved across the room and reached for a small box in his closet.  The box was metal and about the size of a shoebox.  He hadn't looked in it in over a year.  He hadn't let himself feel the guilt the box contained.  When he decided, four years ago, to start his new life he decided that the box would not be opened.  And yet he placed his fingers on the sides and tugged.  The lid snapped off.

    Remus stared at the contents for a while.  Photographs intermingled with mementos.  Muggle photographs of a man with platinum hair and beautiful pale blue eyes.  His white smile was making his face more handsome.  Remus looked at the picture, and a smile crept to his lips.  Then he reached for another picture.  The same man, now pale and gaunt, his body almost skeletal.  But the smile was still there, and the blue eyes still glowed.  And finally, when he was in that final state, Remus knew his secrets.  His heart pained, and his eyes started to sting as he remembered holding his hand, listening to his laboured breathing and watching the man die.

    He almost closed the box, now remembering why he'd told himself he would never open it again, when the photograph he'd been searching for uncovered itself.  This one was different.  The people in it smiled and waved and moved and gave bunny ears to their fellows.  Remus looked into the green eyes of Lily, someone he could have sworn was a soul mate.  Someone he'd kicked himself many times over for not being attracted to.  He found the vibrant blue eyes of the man holding Lily in his arms, carrying her across the picture as she laughed.  And there was little Peter.  He was putting bunny ears over Remus’s head.  And finally, alone, smiling and just looking on, was Sirius.  Remus took the whole picture in.  He hadn't looked at it in a decade.  He refused to let himself feel the feelings that came with the picture.  But tonight he couldn't hold it in.  His nostrils flared and his blood boiled as he looked into Sirius’ eyes.  "You took all these people from me.  How could you?"  Remus whispered to the picture.  He tore the corner of the photo with Sirius and threw it on the floor, then placed the rest of the picture back in the box.

    He padded back to his bed and lay down.  But sleep wouldn’t come.  Instead came images he couldn't prevent his mind from seeing.  Images from years past. Images of him and Sirius, kissing, naked and laughing.  Images of him and Sirius screaming, yelling and fighting.  With tears rolling down his cheek, he wished more than anything that his demons would leave him alone.  That Sirius would just leave him alone.

[Destyne]

Authors Note:  For the sake of clarity, flashbacks will be in italics and centered. Thank you...that is all.
Rating: Still PG
Word Count:4720
Disclaimer: I still don't own them.

Chapter One

September 1975

    “In order to seek the origins of Magic, we have to start with the Celtic God, Math ap Mathonwy.  Meaning the God of Sorcery.”

    Remus put his quill down on his desk.   He couldn’t help but let his mind wander to other places. This was the beginning of his sixth year at Hogwarts, and at the beginning of every year, Professor Binns started the lecture the same way: with the origins of Magic.  Sure, this was History of Magic, but really, Remus could deliver the lecture himself by now.  He did get an O in his History of Magic OWLs after all.  And his thoughts did lie in other, more important places.    Like on the parchment that lay on his bedside table in the dormitory.  He had the whole thing memorized by now.

   My Dearest Remus,
   
There is much to say, and I know saying it in a letter is inconsiderate and out of form but I wish to tell you as soon as possible and not have to wait until we meet on your next holiday.
My dear Remus, I have made the agonizing decision to return to my wife and try anew.  I know how this will make you feel and I do ask for your forgiveness and understanding.  You have been wise beyond your years and I know you will use that same wisdom in receiving this information.  Please know you will always reside in my heart.
                         Yours,
                         Alexi
   
He’d received the letter just that morning, but he had read it over and over.  Remus had met Alexi over the summer holidays while he was at home in France.  Alexi frequented the café his parents owned.  And several times Remus noticed him alone. 

Alexi wasn’t the first man Remus had noticed, not by far, but he seemed to be the only man who noticed him back.  Remus was well aware that his love of men was not what society considered normal.  He himself had just come to terms with what it all meant.  What it meant when he was twelve and longed to see Rock Hudson without a shirt. And it was Alexi that prompted Remus to start acting on his notions.

It was just three weeks into the holiday.  Remus and his younger sister Ophelia always worked the café over the school holidays.  Their parents simply couldn’t afford very much outside help.  After walking by Alexi several times, pretending to be clearing the table behind him, or serving more coffee to the table next to him, Alexi finally stopped him.

“Excuse’ moi,” he said in a thick French accent, calling him over on the pretense of wanting more tea. Remus tried his hardest not to blush.  “I notice you are here working often.  Don’t you have other things a young man your age like to do?”  Alexi’s eyes never left Remus; they were a deep blue, like nothing he’d ever seen before.

“I don’t mind it here,” Remus said, almost inaudibly.  He let his eyes wander upon the older man, who appeared to be in his late thirties.
       
Alexi didn’t hide the pleased look at the answer Remus had given.  “You look strong, are you good at light physical labor?” 

A little taken back by the question Remus answered, “Yes,” not really sure he was good at it.

Alexi scribbled his phone number on a piece of napkin.  “I could use some help on my summer home.  If you are interested, call me.  I’ll be sure to pay you well.”  He winked at Remus and got up to leave the table.

Remus watched him leave, his body flowing slowly out the door.  Then he looked at the napkin with the number written on it.  He’d be sure to call on his next break.

It was Alexi that showed Remus just how sexual a man could be.  Just how wonderful a touch could feel.  And it was something Remus would never forget.  That first touch, that first kiss, that feeling of being with a man for the first time was a memory that would live with Remus forever.  And sitting in History of Magic now, three months after meeting Alexi, he was trying to forget that feeling.  Trying to remember what it was like before he knew a man’s touch. 

[/i]

Pulling himself out of the thought he looked around the room.  James and Sirius, two of his best friends, had been separated yet again for disrupting class.  Sirius now sat in the front of the class, and he looked very downtrodden indeed.  James was sitting next to Remus drawing a sketch.  Remus couldn’t help but smile when he saw what it was:  A longhaired maiden being rescued by a large stag.  All the lady needed was red hair, and Remus could be certain it was Lily Evans.  If she only knew how James fantasized about her, maybe she would humor him with a date, but Remus doubted that would ever happen. On Remus’s other side was his third best friend, Peter.  Even Peter, admittedly slower to grasp certain concepts, was looking like he could quote Binns word for word. Peter fidgeted with his new wand.  The old one had gotten lost one night during their last escapade in the Forbidden Forest before the summer holidays.  This new one was quite fine, better then any wand Remus had seen before.

He knew, really knew, that he could trust these three boys; the three boys with whom he shared a dorm.  They were the ones who figured out he was a werewolf despite his efforts to keep it concealed, and they were the ones who would go to any extreme to protect Remus from the negative illation of the outside world.  Often at times, he felt like they were his family.  And even when he was with his real family, his mother, father and Ophelia, he wanted to be with his three mates.

He felt ashamed by that.  Peter had only his mother and aunts around.  Surrounded in a house full of women, Remus didn’t envy him.  Peter was twenty pounds overweight, and it was no wonder.  If Remus had three women cooking for him all the time, he’d probably eat a good lot too.

James was the most normal of them all.  The Potters were a well-known family in the wizarding world, a long line of wizards stemming back thousands of years.  And of old money as well.  James never knew where all their money came from; it was just always there when he needed it.  He was pampered; the only child of an older couple who tried for years to have children before James came along.  He was the pride of the family, the one everyone loved.

Sirius had the most troubled home life of the bunch.  He came from a long line of dark wizards.  When he got sorted into Gryffindor, the howler his mother sent him the next day was tumultuous.  As if Sirius had any choice in the matter.  And his Slytherin relatives seemed to think he did.  That first year at Hogwarts, not a month went by when Sirius wasn’t either physically assaulted or verbally tortured by his Slytherin cousins.  When his brother was sorted into Slytherin two years later, the abuse started again.  Remus wondered how he could be so stable with such a home life.

He looked up at Professor Binns, who didn’t seem to notice half his class was bored to tears.  The lecture continued, and Remus zoned out.


~~~*~~~


“First Hogsmeade Weekend this Saturday,” Peter said, joining the group at breakfast.

The first month of school had passed quickly and Remus was enjoying his schedule.  The last two years at Hogwarts were going to be very easy going.  He only had three classes a day, unlike the usual four he’d had in past years.  The purpose for this was to give them more time to study for NEWTs, but Remus knew his friends well enough to know their time would be spent planning excursions in the Forbidden Forest, and ways to make Snivellus’ life more difficult.

“Excellent,” James said in reply to Peter.  Sirius sat next to James, Peter next to Remus, who was across from the other two.

Sirius and James.  They had a way about them.  This showed at breakfast more than anywhere else.  James would take the cereal and pour a bowl, then hand the box to Sirius.  Then James would pour some milk over his bowl just as Sirius finished pouring his cereal.  It was a subconscious routine they’d done since third year.  At times Remus envied their friendship.  The way they seemed to know one another so seamlessly.  It was quiet as everyone ate, but Peter had a grin on his face. 

“What’s with you, Wormtail?”  Sirius asked, finally looking up from his cereal.

Peter looked at him as though he’d just noticed Sirius was there.  “Oh, nothing.  Just got asked to Hogsmeade,” Peter bit into a piece of bacon and smiled.

Sirius looked insulted by the information, as if thinking how rude it was Peter had a date when he didn’t.  But James chuckled and replied, “Right on.  Who with?” 

“Annette Bolen.”  Peter said her name like it was the most beautiful word in the English language.  This made Remus laugh.

“The Hufflepuff?  Fourth year?  A bit young, isn’t she, Wormtail?” Came Sirius’s reply.  He still seemed peeved.

“Doesn’t matter, does it?  It’s just Hogsmeade.  Not like I asked her to marry me or anything.” 

Sirius looked as though it did matter, but he took the biscuit James was giving him and buttered it, muttering with a slight shake of his head.

~~~*~~~


Remus sat in the common room of Gryffindor Tower, his books sprawled out over the table.  He was vaguely aware of his three friends, just a few feet away plotting something. James, Sirius and Peter were sitting close together around a plush chair, a book propped open in front of them and a roll of parchment in James’s lap.

“What do you think would happen if we mixed the Swelling Solution with the Hair Raising Potion?  Do you reckon it will make the drinker’s hair not only grow, but also clump up in large strands?”  Peter looked over the parchment the group was writing on, planning out their new, and according to Sirius, best prank yet.

“Could you see Snivellus with hair like spaghetti?”  James laughed.  “Maybe we could even put a colouring solution in it and turn it purple.” 

“Excellent,” Sirius said with an ecstatic smile on his face.

“What are you doing?”  A voice broke the ease of the group.  Prefect Lily Evans stood over them.

James looked at her anxiously for a second, and then put on his smile.  “Evans.  Come to ask me out, have you?”

“Get bent, Potter.  What is that?”  She pointed at the parchment Sirius was now stowing in his Charms book.

“It’s just homework.”  James smiled unconvincingly at her.

“Can I see it then?”  she asked, her hands on her hips.

“W-what?”  James stammered, dropping his smile.

“As Prefect I’m entitled to see what you are doing,” Lily stated, narrowing her eyes suspiciously and taking a step toward Sirius.

“Yes, you are,” said another voice from behind, startling Lily.

“Remus,” Sirius said, relief in his voice. 

“Show me the parchment, Sirius,” he said, in a cool voice.

Sirius looked sideways to Lily and then to Remus, seeming to survey which candidate would get him in less trouble.  He reached in his book, pulled out the parchment and handed it to Remus. 

Remus let his eyes scan over the parchment so that it was clear to Lily he was in the pretense of checking it thoroughly. The corner of his mouth twitched only slightly as he casually refolded the parchment and looked back up to meet Lily’s scrutinizing gaze. He smiled and confirmed reassuringly, that it was indeed, “Charms homework.”

She looked at him, unconvinced, and then stalked off, muttering under her breath, “Of course you wouldn’t tell on them.  Probably has something to do with…” 

Once out of sight Remus sat and opened the parchment again.  “You know you can’t do this,” he said.

“Oh, Moony, come on.  It’s a brilliant plan,” James said, disappointment in his voice.

“No, I mean you can’t mix the Hair Raising Potion and the Swelling Solution.  The Erumpent Horn from the Swelling Solution will counteract with the puffer fish eyes from the Hair Raising Potion.  It’ll cause the solution to melt and could result in serious permanent damage if it comes in contact with skin.”

The three looked at him amazed.  “How did you know that?”  Peter asked.

“My uncle mixed them once.  Misreading Puffskins as puffer fish eyes.  He had to wear a hat over his ears for the rest of his life,” Remus stated tragically. 

~~~*~~~

The trip to Hogsmeade the next day was typical.  The four left Hogwarts with every intention of staying together and causing playful mischief.  Peter didn’t have to meet Annette until one-thirty.  However, as they were leaving the Three Broomsticks, the routine stalled.

Sirius leaned into James as the door to the pub closed.  “James, I’m bored,” he whined in his only too familiar whine.

“What shall we do then, Sirius?”  James asked, a smirk on his face.

“What have you got in mind, my dear Prongsie?” 

James laughed.  “Perhaps I shan’t tell you in the company of these scoundrels.”  James pointed to Peter and Remus. 

Taking the bait Peter chimed in, “Ah, but we can cause trouble with the best of them.”  He looked at James with admiration.  How he wished he could come up with clever things like that.  The four walked down the long walks in Hogsmeade, past Honeydukes where Peter looked in the window at the newest candy that made your tongue cover with purple polka dots. Remus just sighed. 

“What’s with you, Moony?  Too good for us?”  Sirius teased.

“You lot are going to get my Prefect badge revoked.”  He said it in an annoyed tone, but the smile on his face gave him away. 

“Yeah right, Remus.  Then whom would they give it to?  You’re the best Gryffindor boy in the sixth year.  That’s why you got the badge in the first place.”  Sirius moved his arm off of James and put it on Remus’ shoulder.  They passed Zonko’s where James briefly cocked his head to see the newest merchandise, then they turned down another road.  Nobody commented on where they were heading, but they all sort of knew. The four moved silently down the long dirt road toward a pub at the end of the street.  The Hogs Head.  They sat down toward the back of the pub, and instantly a familiar face greeted them.

“Oi, mates.  What are you doing in a dodgy place like this?”  Mundungus Fletcher’s young form met them.  Mundungus had just left Hogwarts the previous year, and James and Sirius credited him with a few of the ideas for some of their better mischief.

“Dung.  Sit a spell.”  Peter looked at him admirably. 

“Don’t mind if I do.”  Mundungus sat and signaled to the waitress.  “Five glasses of Dragonian’s best Dragon Gin, Marieniette.” 
The waitress gave him a suspicious look but nonetheless a moment later dropped five glasses of smoking liquid on the table.  “They students?”  The waitress asked in a thick Scottish accent.

“No, Mademoiselle.  Just visiting,” Remus said in as good a French accent as he could pull off.  Considering he spent most of his life in France, it was a convincing one. The waitress didn’t look convinced, but turned and headed to the bar.

“So, what are you lads up to?”  Mundungus asked a moment before picking up his glass and taking a large gulp of gin.

James looked at the liquid that was still smoking with caution.  Peter looked frightened of it.  Remus pushed it away politely and Sirius, following Mundungus’ lead, gulped a mouthful.  Only a second later his eyes bulged from his head and his nostrils flared.  However, he wasn’t about to admit something was too strong for him, so he just took a deep breath and let out a burp.

It was about an hour later when Remus had to leave for a Prefects’ meeting back at Hogwarts. Peter had left only moments ago to meet Annette at Zonko’s. Having drunk two glasses of gin, and starting on their third, James and Sirius decided to stay behind. Just as well, Remus thought.  He didn’t want to deal with their ruckus anyway.


~~~*~~~

The planet Pluto was believed to be formed from the access materials of the other four outer planets.   Remus read over the words that he’d just written, then looked down at his astronomy book again.  The common room was nearly empty as most of the students were already in their dorms.  He’d returned from his Prefects’ meeting and had dinner alone; the rest of the gang was still at Hogsmeade, he assumed. He raised his quill to write, when he heard the portrait hole open and someone stumbled through.

“Sirius?” Remus looked at him. His eyes were crossed and he had a stupid smile on his face. Sirius walked shakily toward Remus and sat down. Remus shook his head. “What have you been drinking?”

“Drinking?” Sirius slurred. “I haven’t been drinking.” His head wobbled a little then straightened up.

“Where are James and Peter?”

“James found a cute little Ravenclaw to entertain himself with. Peter was with Annette, but then they disappeared too. ‘S it’s just me.” He smiled at Remus and threw his hands out in front of him as though presenting himself for the first time.

“Well, we should get you to bed then,” Remus said, pulling Sirius up and putting his arm around his shoulder.

“Is that an invitation, Moony?” Sirius said lightly.

Remus ignored him. The other boys knew Remus fancied men.  Remus had told them after James tried to set him up with a Hufflepuff girl last year. 

He walked with Sirius up to their dormitory and set him on his bed. Sirius lay down immediately, giving Remus a chance to pull his shoes off. “I hate being your mother, Sirius. This really should be James’ job since he’s the one to blame for you being inebriated.” He said it more to himself then to Sirius.

“You’re a much better person then my mother,” Sirius slurred. He sat up and looked at Remus, his eyes never breaking contact with Remus as he pulled his shirt off.

Remus tried to shift his gaze, but he couldn’t take his eyes away. He didn’t even pull back like he should have, when Sirius leaned in and pressed his lips gently to his. In fact, he leaned in closer and pressed harder against Sirius’s lips. Only when he tasted the liquor on his breath, did he realize what was happening, and he immediately placed a good distance between their bodies. Sirius looked at him pleadingly.

“You’re drunk. Get some sleep.” Remus stood up abruptly and pulled the curtains shut. He stared at the curtains for a few minutes, trying to process exactly what his body had done when his best friend kissed him. His head was light, but he turned and went back to his Astronomy homework.

The next morning Remus woke and followed his usual routine.  Shower, breakfast and then to the common room.  It was Sunday, and a few Gryffindors attended religious ceremonies, but most stayed to take advantage of the day.

James and Peter were at a table by the stairway playing Exploding Snap.  Sirius was still in the dormitory, unable to wake up.  Probably for the best, Remus thought. He wasn’t sure he could look his friend in the eye after last night. Remus shouldn’t have let his impulse rule out his better judgment. He shouldn’t have let Sirius kiss him, and more importantly, he shouldn’t have kissed back.  He shouldn’t have enjoyed it like he did.  Sirius fancied girls.  And a fumbling drunken kiss with his best friend couldn’t mean anything more.

“If we don’t know what it says you can’t take up space on the board.”  Remus tried to explain calmly to a third year that was trying to post something on the bulletin board in invisible ink. 

“But I told you.  It’s for the Students in the Invisible Ink Club.  They’ll know what it means.” 

Remus rolled his eyes and gently persuaded the boy to take the parchment down and show it to Professor McGonagall, who was Head of Gryffindor house.  If McGonagall thought it was okay, then Remus would allow it.

“Sirius,” a voice called, causing Remus to turn and look.  Sirius was standing at the top of the stairs looking down into the common room at James and Peter, who had questioning looks on their faces. Sirius took the walk down the spiral staircase and sat across the boys. 

“What were you doing up there?”  Peter asked.

Sirius looked at him slyly and said, “Thinking of the best way to hex that fifth year Slytherin boy.  You know the one who put a shrinking solution in your inkwell.”

Peter looked glum for a moment.  “Yeah, my quill was never found.”  Then his face lit up again.  “What are you thinking of doing?”

Sirius sat down next to the two other boys, and Remus just stood and watched. It should have bothered him that he wanted to watch Sirius.  It should bother him that he was starting to question a relationship.  It should have.  But it didn’t. 

Remus watched his three best mates sitting in the corner of the room.  They were definitely up to something.  He considered helping them concoct whatever plan they were coming up with.  But he really needed to get more schoolwork done.  After last night Remus couldn’t think about anything but Sirius.  His Astronomy homework made no sense.  The words all seemed to jumble together to form the word “Sirius”.  It was very disheartening to Remus.  Sirius was his mate, one of his closest friends and one of his only friends.  If he started to crush over his friends, then he wouldn’t have anyone.  No, it was silly.  Sirius’s friendship was maybe the most important of the three.  Sirius was the one who came to him just after the start of second year and confronted him.  He remembered it like it was last week.

It was October 1972; Remus was lying in his bed, tired and disheveled.  Sirius, Peter and James came in quietly.  “Now, let me do the talking,” Sirius said in a whisper to the others.

“Remus?”  Sirius sat on the bed, James and Peter standing just behind him.

Remus stirred.  “Wake up, mate.  We need to talk to you about something.”

Remus opened his eyes and blinked a few times.  “What’s wrong?”  he asked, sure that it had to be something dire for them to all be looking at him so severely.

“I was doing some reading in my Magical Monsters book.  Um, I found something very interesting.”  Sirius looked over his shoulder.  How was he supposed to say this? He tossed an open book down on his bed.  The page was open to reveal the heading, How to tell if your enemy is a werewolf… Remus lost all the colour in his face.  “Look, we’re just going to ask you.  And you don’t have to tell us if you don’t want to, but it won’t change anything either way.  Just tell us.”  Sirius stalled a moment and then said, very quickly, “Are you a werewolf?”

Remus looked like he might be sick.  His nostrils flared a little and he closed his eyes.  But then he calmly answered, “Yes.”

Peter gasped and James took a small unconscious step back, but Sirius didn’t move.  He didn’t look upset or disgusted or terrified. He just gazed back at Remus with his deep, dark eyes, silently.

“I was five.  We were camping in Italy.  My sister was just a baby, just starting to walk well.  She required a lot of attention.  My father was asleep inside the tent and I was out by the campfire with Mum and Ophelia.  We were roasting pork.  She told me to keep an eye on Ophelia, that she had an errand to run while Papa was sleeping.  He didn’t like her to abuse her magic, so she preferred to shop for magical things when he was sleeping.  And we were close to the Italian wizarding shops.”  He paused, his eyes not leaving Sirius, who in turn had not taken his eyes off Remus.
“I turned my back for a second.  Only a second.  And next think I knew Ophelia was gone.  I called for her, several times, and she didn’t answer.  I don’t know why I didn’t think to tell my father.  Instead, knowing Mum would be angry that I lost my sister, I went looking for her in the forest.  It was dark, and the only light was from the full moon.  I only went in a little way before I felt a terrible sensation that something horrible was going to happen.  I thought now of going to Papa.  So I turned to go back.”
“I didn’t see him there at first.  When I did see him I remember thinking he was beautiful.  I stared into his eyes, and the longer I stared the more entranced with the wolf I became.  He was unlike any wolf I’d seen in the books Mum read to me.  And then I just wasn’t scared anymore. I took a step toward him and he lunged at me.  I remember feeling betrayed at first. Why did he want to attack me?  Then I just felt pain.  Searing pain in my shoulder.”  Remus, his eyes now glazed over reliving this, pulled his shirt down to reveal a scar on his left shoulder.

“I screamed and my father came out of the tent.  The wolf was gone by then,” Remus had a tear on his cheek.  “We found out later who the wolf was.  Fenrir Greyback.  He’d met my mother and father years back, before I was even born.  He was human when they met at some wizarding party or something.  He wasn’t a nice man, he wasn’t neatly groomed.  My mother felt he was more of a recluse, and wanted to talk to him.  She loved talking to people who looked interesting; she loved hearing their experiences.  Well, Papa didn’t like that he was being so friendly with my mother and politely asked the man to leave her alone.  He snarled at Papa, but left the party shortly after.” Remus looked up at James and Peter, who looked less terrified and more compassionate.  And then to Sirius, who looked as though he had just lived through the attack himself.  He let out a sigh and said, “It was after I was bitten Papa didn’t want Mum using magic anymore.  He didn’t want any part of the wizarding world.   She felt guilty enough and she did what he asked.”  His eyes met Sirius’s again; he seemed to be the least horrified by what the twelve-year-old had just revealed.

“Well, it doesn’t matter to us, does it?”  Sirius finally said after a moment of quiet.

James and Peter agreed.  “We know who you are now,” James said, smiling slightly.   Then to make light of it he said, “There’s not anything else you want to tell us is there?  You aren’t also a vampire?  Or a merman in disguise?”  The four of them laughed.  And from then on their friendship was cemented.

[/i]

This was the reason it bothered him that since last night he was starting to see Sirius in a different way.  Not that he hadn’t always sort of had a crush on him, everyone did.  Sirius Black was the best-looking boy in Gryffindor.  All the girls wanted him, and it seemed to Remus that most of those girls got him.  Which is another reason he was so confused.  Sirius was drunk last night.  He probably didn’t even remember.  So Remus would just pretend it didn’t happen.  He would go on just as he had before.  It shouldn’t be too difficult, if only Sirius wouldn’t look so good in his trousers.

[Destyne]

Rating increase to PG-13 cause Sirius is a potty mouth.

Chapter 2   

Remus had managed to pretend everything was normal between him and Sirius for a week.  And since Sirius never brought up the fact that he kissed Remus, he assumed it was forgotten.  All for the better, Remus thought. But it was getting harder and harder to stop thinking about Sirius.  To stop watching him when he wasn’t looking, to stop reliving the feel of those rough lips on his own.    

The first Quidditch match of the season was in November.  Remus went to the top of the stand with Peter, and watched as James and Sirius played well, though Gryffindor lost horribly. The match lasted four hours, and when it was over, the Gryffindor players, looking worn-out, left the pitch with James, the Quidditch Captain, yelling so loudly that Remus could hear him all the way from the stands. 

“Oh, there’s Annette,” Peter said, and left Remus’ side to meet the pretty blonde haired Hufflepuff.

Remus walked down the stands with the large group of upset Gryffindors, each one moaning loudly about what they thought was wrong with the match.

“Did you see the Slytherin Beater?  He hit that Bludger directly at Black,” a second year girl said, sadly.  Remus had seen that, but Sirius had avoided it narrowly, and then flipped the bird at the Beater.    

Remus finally made it to the dressing rooms.  He stood outside, smiling occasionally at people walking by.  Usually he would just go up to Gryffindor Tower and wait for the gang to show up, but it looked like James and Sirius were in serious need for some moral support.

“Good match,” Remus said as Sirius walked out of the room.

“Did you even watch it?”  Sirius asked, annoyed.

“I did.  I thought you played very well.  I saw how the Slytherin Beater hit that Bludger toward James.  It would have hit him had you not misguided it.” 

Sirius looked at Remus.  “Yeah.  If James had only seen that.  He’s laying into our Seeker for not catching the snitch.  Four bloody hours.”  Sirius mumbled.
“Want to go for a walk around the lake then?”  Remus asked.  He tried to sound casual about it, but he failed miserably.

“Where’s Peter?”  Sirius looked around them and for the first time noticed Peter wasn’t with them.

“He’s with Annette.”  Remus smiled.

“Fanbloodytastic,” Sirius said again.  “I don’t understand how he gets a pretty girl like that and I don’t have anyone.”

Remus replied, “You don’t always need to have a girlfriend just to one up your mates, Sirius.” 

They walked toward the lake where several students had decided to lounge. 

“Good match, Black,” A fifth year Slytherin teased.

Sirius held up his first two fingers and told them to eat dung.  “Really, Remus, what are we doing here?” 

“We need to talk about last weekend.”  Remus said seriously, surprising even himself at that admission. 

“What happened last weekend?”  Sirius asked.

He really didn’t remember?  Remus felt his feet go numb at the thought.  “You kissed me,” he said trying to sound casual.

“Oh, that,” Sirius sounded nervous.

Remus cast a fleeting glance out of the corner of his eye. So he did remember. “You can’t just kiss me like that, Sirius.  I’m not something for you to experiment with,” Remus went on in a calm tone. 

“Remus, it wasn’t…” But Sirius didn’t get to finish.

“You are one of my best friends.  And it’s not worth jeopardizing a friendship over something so trivial.”
Sirius stopped walking.  He didn’t care that there were students in earshot.  “Remus,  I didn’t kiss you because I wanted to experiment.  I did it because it felt right.  Didn’t you think so?”

Remus glared at him.  “Why would I think so, Sirius?  Did you think that being kissed by an obviously drunken person, who just so happens to be my friend, would make it feel right? Or that just because I fancy men that I would automatically want you?”  Remus was defensive, his voice rose.

“Why can’t you believe someone might just want you?  Why don’t you ever think that you are good enough, that there has to be some ulterior motive if someone shows interest in you?” Sirius looked at him, and then started walking again, this time with a force.

Remus paused to take in the sentiment.  He wasn’t sure how to react to it.  He caught up to Sirius and said, “It doesn’t matter if it felt good to me.  It doesn’t matter how it made me feel.  You and I are friends.  And that’s more important then a small kiss.” 

“I have to get back to the dormitory,” Sirius said quickly.  “I need a shower.”  And he turned and left.


~~~*~~~

Two days later Remus still had made no attempt to talk to Sirius.  And he had no intention of doing so.  It had become a battle of wills, and Remus was not about to give in.  Conversations around dinner consisted of, “James, will you please reach past Sirius and pass me the salt” and that sort.  Clearly suspicious of the formality, James and Peter had asked Remus several times why he and Sirius weren’t talking.  Remus assumed in turn that they had asked Sirius the same.  And what could he say?  “Sirius kissed me after a drunken night and I felt used and I’m waiting for him to apologize?”  No, Remus couldn’t say that.  But he had to say something.  Perhaps after that night it would be okay.  That night after all was the full moon.  And Padfoot, Wormtail and Prongs had not abandoned him yet.

Remus went to the hospital wing after dinner and met with Madame Pomfrey.  Together they followed the same ritual they’d done every month for the past 5 years.  Quietly they went out the front doors, sometimes seen by other students, but most of the time they were unobserved.  This night the Entrance Hall was abandoned so there was no need for hasty made up excuses by Madame Pomfrey.

They walked across the grounds to the Whomping Willow tree.  They entered the tunnel, neither saying a word.  Once they reached the Shrieking Shack Madame Pomfrey stopped at the door.  She always had a terrified look on her face when she saw the place.
“Will you be all right now?”  She asked in a nurturing tone, but Remus could also sense some relief when he nodded his head and answered in the affirmative.

“I will see you in the morning then,” she said.  And in a moment she was gone.

Normally Remus only had to wait an hour or so before his mates arrived.  This night however it seemed he waited an eternity.  He could feel himself starting to transform.  His skin was becoming itchy.  His mind was starting to fog. 

“Where the bloody hell are they?”  He asked himself out loud.  If he was honest with himself he could admit he dreaded transforming without them.  Not only did they help him maintain control, but they also provided a support only his friends could offer.

He could remember only too well the nights the four of them had spend pouring over books, trying to find a way to make the transformations better for Remus.  He remembered that even before they’d mastered the Animagus transformations they spent as much time helping Remus recover as they could.  McGonagall was great about letting them miss classes to sit in the hospital wing.   

“If Sirius comes tonight I’ll talk to him tomorrow,” he said under his breath.  He didn’t care about any stupid teenage crap that happened a couple weeks ago.  He needed his friends.  But where were they?

A few minutes later the wolf took over Remus’s body.


As Remus started to stir he could feel the sun hit his back.  And it hurt.  He opened his eyes and found himself laying face down on the bed in the Shrieking Shack.  He reached his hand back and touched his skin.  It was moist with blood.  It was when he twisted that Remus saw the black dog sleeping in the corner.

He leaned up and also saw a large stag in the middle of the room, the rat lying quietly on the stag’s back.  So they had shown up.  A shiver shuffled through Remus’s spine.  Then he was reminded just how much it hurt.  He must have been angry at not having his friends around.  He must have done some damage to himself.  Ugh, he wished he could remember.  But he learned years ago the wolf’s mind didn’t reveal its secrets to Remus. 
He checked the clock on the wall.  Madam Pomfrey would come to get him when she woke at 7:00.  And it was 6:30 now.  Remus had better start waking his mates.  He stood up and was horrified to notice his legs were scratched and bitten.  He took a few wobbly steps to the stag in the middle of the room.

“James,” Remus said in a hoarse voice.  He wondered how much howling he’d done last night since his throat hurt so much.  “James, wake up,” he said again.  James began to stir and the rat lying on his back tumbled to the ground.

Only a moment later Peter stood up and cursed Remus.  “What’d you do that for?  I was sleeping,” Peter said, rubbing his backside. 

“I didn’t know you were going to fall,” Remus said apologetically.  “What happened to you guys last night?  I had to transform without you.”  He tried not to sound pathetic, but he was unsuccessful.

“Sirius,” Peter said.  “He got all…” but he wasn’t able to finish.  James had just erupted out of the stag and brushed himself off.

“You couldn’t get a blanket or something next time?  That floor is bloody hard.”  James looked across the room at the black dog still snoring in the corner.  “You haven’t woken Sirius yet?”  James asked. 

Remus shook his head.  He was finally aware that Peter was looking at him sympathetically.  “We can fix some of those now if you want,” he said, pointing to the scratches on his body.
 
Remus shook his head.  “It would look to suspicious to Pomfrey,” he said truthfully.  Part of Remus hated that his friends risked expulsion every time they came to see him.  But the larger part of him loved that they would do that.  That he meant so much to them. 

“Padfoot,” James stood over the black dog and picked up its floppy ear.  “Padfoot, wake up, boy.  There’s a bunny down here for you to fetch.” 

Peter snickered.  And a second later Sirius emerged.  “Very funny, Prongs,” he said standing next to James surveying him.  His gaze then moved to Remus and he gasped.  “Moony,” Sirius said, taking only a few steps and appearing at his side.  He looked at Remus like every scratch on Remus hurt him just as much.  “I can do a healing charm,” he mumbled to himself.  He lifted his wand, which was conveniently stowed in his black robes, and started an incantation. 
“No, Sirius,” Remus said taking Sirius’s hand and moving it downward.  His hand didn’t leave Sirius’.
Sirius swallowed visibly.  “If you’re hurt…” he began.

“You need to go.  Pomfrey will be here shortly and then I’ll be fine.”  He looked intently in Sirius’s eyes.  He did tell himself he would work things out with Sirius.

Sirius nodded then took the role as leader.  “Okay then.  James, you get the Invisibility Cloak and start down the tunnel and Peter will be right behind you.  I’ll follow Peter.  We’ll wait ‘til we see Pomfrey and then head in.”  It was foolish to try and argue with Sirius.  They all knew it. 

James was the first one out, his cloak flung over his head.  Peter was out a moment behind him.  Sirius was alone with Remus.

“Are you sure you’ll be all right?”  Sirius asked. 

Remus didn’t speak but nodded.  Sirius didn’t move.

“We’ll talk later.  I promise,” Remus rasped.  And Sirius turned and left.


~~~*~~~

The hospital wing smelled like burnt cabbage when Remus awoke.  He had bandages wrapped around his legs.  Remus hated what the wolf did to him, to its self.  For Remus had learned long ago that the wolf was part of him and he was part of the wolf.  He looked away from his bandages and noticed Sirius sitting in the chair next to the bed.  How long had he been there?  He started to ask him when Sirius interrupted.

“I’m sorry,” he said softly, handing Remus a goblet with water in it.

Remus nodded, though he wasn’t sure what Sirius was apologizing for.  Once his throat felt better he asked, “What kept you lot last night?”

“I was foolish, Moony.  I’m sorry,” he said again.  Remus’s eyes questioned him, and Sirius continued.  “I was ready to go at our usual time.  We would have been there before the wolf came out.  But it was my fault.  James was reading his stupid magazine Quidditch for the Average Wizard; Peter had just gotten to second base with Annette and wanted to tell us every disgusting detail.  It was starting to hack me off.  I mean, after last weekend I owed it to you to be there…” Sirius looked down at his hands.
“Sirius,” he said, softly.  Forgivingly.

“Well, they caught on that I was in a short mood,” he continued.  “So I grabbed my robe and told them I was leaving.  Told them I wasn’t waiting around for them and that they could go to see you alone.”  He looked ashamed, “I told them I was going to the Astronomy Tower to find a girl and fuck my brains out.”  Then he looked at Remus.  “But I didn’t.” 

Remus wasn’t sure how to take that, or what it meant.  He was really in too much pain at the moment to have to try and figure Sirius out.   “Where did you go?”  He asked, unsure he really wanted to know.

“I went to that secret passage on the fourth floor.  You know, the one that leads down to the kitchens?” Remus nodded in response.  “Well, I sat I there and a House Elf showed up.  She said they could tell I was there.  I don’t know, those House Elves have weird magic.”  He shook his head and went on.  “Anyway, she asked what I was doing there and I told her…” Again Sirius stopped.  He was not one to talk about stuff like this.  His conversations usually stemmed to simple, easy, mundane things.  “I told her I had a crush on someone, and I really fucked it up with that person.  I told her that it was one of my best mates, and now I don’t have that best mate anymore.”  His gaze traveled even farther down, now he was examining his feet.

Remus reached out and took his hand.  Sirius raised his eyes to meet Remus’s.  “She told me if that person was really my mate, they would understand and take me as I am, friend or otherwise.  So I went to find you and James and Peter in the Shrieking Shack.  I transformed before I got there.  But it didn’t matter; you were out in the forest.  So I waited for you.  I don’t know for how long, but it was a while. James entered first, in his stag form.  He looked me in the eye and nodded, civil, but not friendly.  Then I moved my eyes to you.  You don’t scare me when you’re the wolf; I think the other two are scared, even if they don’t admit it.  Your eyes bore into mine.  You missed me, or at least the wolf missed me.  You crossed the room and lay down next to me.  Then you fell asleep.  I didn’t notice then that you were all cut and scratched.”  He didn’t blink and said again, “I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing.  I’m not mad at you, Sirius.  Whatever happened between us that night in the dormitory…” but Remus stopped.  Maybe it was because he was aware that Sirius had put his hand on his leg.  Or maybe it was because he didn’t want to finish the sentence.

“I know you think that was a mistake.  I shouldn’t have done that, Remus.  But it wasn’t because I was drunk.  You are my best friend.  That’s the most important thing.  And if we can get past the kiss then I think we can go back to normal.”  Sirius said it with a tone he thought was convincing.  But Remus looked at him skeptically.

“Nobody wants to be friends with a werewolf, Sirius.  Nobody wants to have to deal with the problems it causes.”  Sirius looked like he was about to protest when Remus continued,  “At least that was what I thought before I met you and James and Peter.  I thought I would never have friends.  I thought I’d never be able to be normal.  To fall in love.  To have anything normal people have.  And you showed me I was wrong.  I can’t risk losing that because there may be something more than that between us.”  Remus wasn’t sure where his last few words came from.  Was there something more between them?  Of course there was.  If James or Peter had kissed him like that Remus wouldn’t have reciprocated the same way he did when Sirius kissed him.  No matter how much he tried to deny it, he wanted Sirius to kiss him that night.  He wanted Sirius to kiss him again.

Sirius looked defeated.  He tried to keep his face solid.  Tried to give nothing away, but it didn’t work.  He smiled and nodded.  “You’re very wise.”  And he started to get up to leave.  But before he could stand, Remus pulled him down again and this time Remus pushed his lips to Sirius’.
 
It was brief and formal, but it said something only Sirius could read.  He looked into Remus’s eyes.  “But... I thought you said it was more important to be friends.”

“Sod our friendship.” Remus laughed then leaned in and kissed Sirius again.

[Brighty18]

Wow!

There was a lot to take in there, but I really like it. You build tension nicely and I am very much "feeling" your Remus.

Nice.

[Destyne]

Wow!

There was a lot to take in there, but I really like it. You build tension nicely and I am very much "feeling" your Remus.

Nice.

Thank you.  I've had a lot of fun getting to "know" these characters through this fic.  Remus wasn't really a character I loved that much before (he was in my top 10, mainly because he was Sirius's main squeeze) then I started this and really got to know him and now I really like Remus.   So I'm glad you are feeling it.

[laciemn]

Hello again! I like your writing and I'm looking forward to seeing more of it. Your dialogue is one of your strengths, in my opinion, and I really loved those flashback scenes you did. Alexi was an interesting character although I thought he was a girl at first, hehe. Then I saw his wife and I thought, "Why would Remus have an affair with a female, let alone a lesbian?"

I think it was clever the way you had Remus see James' drawing of a maiden and stag - very symbolic and creative.

There were some things I think you should pay attention to when writing in the future or editing.

They walked across the grounds to the Whomping Willow tree.  They entered the tunnel, neither saying a word.  Once they reached the Shrieking Shack Madame Pomfrey stopped at the door.  She always had a terrified look on her face when she saw the place.

This paragraph, in my opinion, needs some work. Nothing much happens here—nothing of emotional value or anything that adds suspense or tension. This is sort of what is called “stage directions.” The character is acting, but there is little description or purpose, you are simply moving the character from one location to another with nothing to support it.

He knew, really knew, that he could trust these three boys; the three boys with whom he shared a dorm.  They were the ones who figured out he was a werewolf despite his efforts to keep it concealed, and they were the ones who would go to any extreme to protect Remus from the negative illation of the outside world.  Often at times, he felt like they were his family.  And even when he was with his real family, his mother, father and Ophelia, he wanted to be with his three mates.

Another issue I noticed is a tendency-which I think many writers do, I’ve done it plenty- to tell things instead of see/experience/observe them. For example, you tell us a lot in the beginning—about how Remus misses his friends when he’s with his family, how he feels like they are his family, how they would go to any lengths to protect Remus. These are things that should be shown in my opinion. They are important, and action and dialogue can be a lot more effective than just thoughts in a character’s head. The things you should “tell” instead of show are things that are not as significant or can be skipped over without consequence.

Sirius nodded then took the role as leader.  “Okay then.  James, you get the Invisibility Cloak and start down the tunnel and Peter will be right behind you.  I’ll follow Peter.  We’ll wait ‘til we see Pomfrey and then head in.”  It was foolish to try and argue with Sirius.  They all knew it.

To me this paragraph is slightly redundant. You tell us Sirius took the role as leader. Sirius then orders everyone to do stuff. Then you say that it’s foolish to argue with Sirius, and everyone knew it. Perhaps you could find a way to say all this with just the dialogue or Sirius’ actions or mannerisms.

“No, I mean you can’t mix the Hair Raising Potion and the Swelling Solution.  The Erumpent Horn from the Swelling Solution will counteract with the puffer fish eyes from the Hair Raising Potion.  It’ll cause the solution to melt and could result in serious permanent damage if it comes in contact with skin.”

The three looked at him amazed.  “How did you know that?”  Peter asked.

“My uncle mixed them once.  Misreading Puffskins as puffer fish eyes.  He had to wear a hat over his ears for the rest of his life,” Remus stated tragically.

I liked this part very much because it is creative and it shows who Remus is and how his friends respond to that.

Another tip: before you use an adjective when describing a characters voice or facial expression think of another way you might be able to say the same thing—through the dialogue or the character’s body language. I think most readers find this style more engaging. Of course, I’m not saying don’t use adjectives, because that would be silly.


I do want to say I like your writing. I want to help you polish your writing, as I want others to do the same with me. Overall it was a worthwhile, interesting read although it has a few rough patches and could be better with some editing.

[Destyne]

Hello again! I like your writing and I'm looking forward to seeing more of it. Your dialogue is one of your strengths, in my opinion, and I really loved those flashback scenes you did. Alexi was an interesting character although I thought he was a girl at first, hehe. Then I saw his wife and I thought, "Why would Remus have an affair with a female, let alone a lesbian?"

I think it was clever the way you had Remus see James' drawing of a maiden and stag - very symbolic and creative.

There were some things I think you should pay attention to when writing in the future or editing.

They walked across the grounds to the Whomping Willow tree.  They entered the tunnel, neither saying a word.  Once they reached the Shrieking Shack Madame Pomfrey stopped at the door.  She always had a terrified look on her face when she saw the place.

This paragraph, in my opinion, needs some work. Nothing much happens here—nothing of emotional value or anything that adds suspense or tension. This is sort of what is called “stage directions.” The character is acting, but there is little description or purpose, you are simply moving the character from one location to another with nothing to support it.

He knew, really knew, that he could trust these three boys; the three boys with whom he shared a dorm.  They were the ones who figured out he was a werewolf despite his efforts to keep it concealed, and they were the ones who would go to any extreme to protect Remus from the negative illation of the outside world.  Often at times, he felt like they were his family.  And even when he was with his real family, his mother, father and Ophelia, he wanted to be with his three mates.

Another issue I noticed is a tendency-which I think many writers do, I’ve done it plenty- to tell things instead of see/experience/observe them. For example, you tell us a lot in the beginning—about how Remus misses his friends when he’s with his family, how he feels like they are his family, how they would go to any lengths to protect Remus. These are things that should be shown in my opinion. They are important, and action and dialogue can be a lot more effective than just thoughts in a character’s head. The things you should “tell” instead of show are things that are not as significant or can be skipped over without consequence.

Sirius nodded then took the role as leader.  “Okay then.  James, you get the Invisibility Cloak and start down the tunnel and Peter will be right behind you.  I’ll follow Peter.  We’ll wait ‘til we see Pomfrey and then head in.”  It was foolish to try and argue with Sirius.  They all knew it.

To me this paragraph is slightly redundant. You tell us Sirius took the role as leader. Sirius then orders everyone to do stuff. Then you say that it’s foolish to argue with Sirius, and everyone knew it. Perhaps you could find a way to say all this with just the dialogue or Sirius’ actions or mannerisms.

“No, I mean you can’t mix the Hair Raising Potion and the Swelling Solution.  The Erumpent Horn from the Swelling Solution will counteract with the puffer fish eyes from the Hair Raising Potion.  It’ll cause the solution to melt and could result in serious permanent damage if it comes in contact with skin.”

The three looked at him amazed.  “How did you know that?”  Peter asked.

“My uncle mixed them once.  Misreading Puffskins as puffer fish eyes.  He had to wear a hat over his ears for the rest of his life,” Remus stated tragically.

I liked this part very much because it is creative and it shows who Remus is and how his friends respond to that.

Another tip: before you use an adjective when describing a characters voice or facial expression think of another way you might be able to say the same thing—through the dialogue or the character’s body language. I think most readers find this style more engaging. Of course, I’m not saying don’t use adjectives, because that would be silly.


I do want to say I like your writing. I want to help you polish your writing, as I want others to do the same with me. Overall it was a worthwhile, interesting read although it has a few rough patches and could be better with some editing.

Thank you for the comments.  I had a beta on a fic I did years ago who would always tell me "Show me, don't tell me", so when you said that it made me laugh. :p  I try to do that, but I admit sometimes it's lazy writing on my part. 

To me this paragraph is slightly redundant.

I hated that paragraph when I was writing it and when I was editing it, but I never took it out...dunno why.  Guess I should have.

I really do appreciate the input, anything to make me love a project I've done more is good.

I'm glad you're enjoying it.  I have a bunch more chapters that are ready to go up, I just have to find time to get them up here...probably later this week.

[laciemn]

Thank you for the comments.  I had a beta on a fic I did years ago who would always tell me "Show me, don't tell me", so when you said that it made me laugh. :p  I try to do that, but I admit sometimes it's lazy writing on my part. 

To me this paragraph is slightly redundant.

I hated that paragraph when I was writing it and when I was editing it, but I never took it out...dunno why.  Guess I should have.

I really do appreciate the input, anything to make me love a project I've done more is good.

I'm glad you're enjoying it.  I have a bunch more chapters that are ready to go up, I just have to find time to get them up here...probably later this week.

Hah! The fact that I reminded you of a beta reader is a pretty cool compliment to me  . I had someone to agree to beta this fic I'm working on, but she never sent anything and stopped replying.  Perhaps she was so disturbed by all the mistakes that she died.

Just kidding, I'm pretty sure she didn't die.

The most of important thing about writing is loving it so yep, anything for that!

[Destyne]

Rating move to R...yay!   

Warning: The last part of this chapter could be bestiality...I don't think it is, but it could be interpreted that way by some.

Also, to the Mods: I think the sex is pretty mild, but if you think I should move it to the RS, let me know and I will.

Chapter Three

Chapter Three


   Oh, God!   His brain clouded when Sirius moved kisses up and down his neck like that.  He looked pleadingly at Sirius when his lips parted from Remus’ flesh.

   “We have to get to Transfiguration,” Sirius said, out of breath.  They had resorted to finding a few minutes here and there to nip into broom cupboards for a snog, but it never moved farther.  They never had time to move it farther.  Sirius didn’t seem ready yet.  And Sirius still seemed terrified at the notion that anyone would find him and Remus in the act of snogging.

   “I’ll leave first, you come out in five minutes.  I’ll see you in Transfiguration.”  Sirius headed to the door and took a deep breath, then turned the knob and was gone.

   Remus sat alone in the room for several minutes, his mind racing.  He should have ended this before it even started.  He should have told Sirius their friendship was too important.  He should have told Sirius he didn’t want to kiss him again.  He should have said all these things two weeks ago.  But the thought of Sirius’s rough lips and his gleaming eyes were too much for Remus.  The thought of Sirius’s hands on his face and roaming down his back made him light-headed. He turned and left the small cupboard, five minutes late to Transfiguration.  He wouldn’t be with Sirius that night; he had to clean up the Transfiguration room for detention.  Nothing good could come from being with Sirius.  And his first detention in four years proved it.


   There wasn’t a lot of conversation between Remus and Sirius, casual or otherwise.  It seemed they had run out of things to talk about.  But when they were alone all Remus could think about was how he didn’t want anything but Sirius.  But they needed to talk.  So Remus arranged a meeting place.  Somewhere nobody could find them. 

The only light in the secret passage on the fourth floor was the fire Remus had lit in the middle of the floor.  The passageway led them to the kitchens, but tonight Remus and Sirius were using the large entrance room to the passageway for a different purpose. The room was about nine feet by ten feet, and in the centre of the room, on a magically enhanced pallet, Sirius and Remus were becoming very familiar with each other.


Sirius’s lips left Remus’s for the first time in minutes and he was only vaguely aware of the red bruise that presented itself on them. Remus tilted his head back and Sirius moved his lips to take it in. He moaned loudly and felt Sirius’s hand move down his back.

Remus pulled back and looked at Sirius. “We have to stop.” His voice was raspy and he was almost panting.

Sirius ignored him and moved his hand to graze across Remus’s buttock. Remus felt his eyes roll in his head, then stopped and again said, “Sirius, we have to stop. If we don’t stop now I won’t be able to.”

 Sirius removed his hand and looked Remus directly in the eye. “I don’t want to stop, Remus.”

Remus looked into Sirius’s eyes.  “You’re sure?”  He asked.  But before Sirius could answer Remus’s mouth was on his again.  He pushed Sirius down onto his back and moved his hand to the clasp on his robes. 

Lying in just his black boxers Sirius looked nervously at Remus.  Sure they’d seen each other naked.  They’d been roommates for six years.  But this was different.  His chest hitched as Remus looked at him, his face unreadable.

“You’re beautiful.”  Remus had emotion in his voice.  And before Sirius could see if the emotion showed in his face, Remus lowered his mouth to Sirius’s bare chest, his rough hands moving over his hips.   His tongue was making tracks down his body.  Lower and lower until he reached the band of the boxers.  One last time Remus looked up at Sirius and said, “You’re sure?” 

This time Sirius was able to answer.  “Yes,” he gasped.  And before he could take another breath his shorts were gone and Remus was moving his tongue over the flesh that awaited him.



Remus woke when a breeze hit him. It took him a moment to realize why he was sleeping so close to the edge of the pallet. Then he smiled. Now he remembered.  They hadn’t gone quite as far as Remus would have liked, but he still felt satisfied.  Sirius was nervous, and seemed hesitant to give to Remus the way he’d given to Sirius, but it didn’t matter to Remus at the time. 
 He pushed his hand over to the other side of the soft padding and felt for Sirius. The spot was empty. Remus rolled over and saw the blankets had been pushed down and he was indeed alone. Oh God, Remus thought, it’s never good to wake up alone.


He sat up and stared across the room. Sirius was staring into the fire in the centre of the room.  He didn’t move. Remus wasn’t even sure he was really breathing. He wasn’t startled, however, when he heard his name.

“Sirius,” Remus whispered.  He moved timidly toward Sirius.  His heart sank to his heels. “I don’t…we can just pretend it never happened and…”

“No,” Sirius said, turning to look at Remus. “I don’t want that. I don’t want to pretend it didn’t happen. I’m confused, Remus.” He was aware that he normally wouldn’t say this to a lover, but this was Remus, his best friend, and ultimately he could say anything to him.  “What does it mean? Does it mean I fancy men?”

 “Sirius, I don’t think…” but he stopped. He wasn’t sure at all what to say. He was scared he’d just lost one of the most important people in his life.   Sirius’s eyes reflected off the fire as he stared more deeply into Remus.

“It was incredible. It was better then anything I’ve ever done.  With anyone. And so does that mean that I’m, you know…” he couldn’t say it.

 Remus understood now. He sighed. “Perhaps it’s the person, and not the gender you fancy. Perhaps it has to do with a soul, and not a body part. Does that make sense?”

Sirius nodded briefly. “How did you figure it out? I mean, when did you know?”

“That I was homosexual?  I never questioned it,” Remus said to Sirius.

“You never questioned your sexuality? You always knew you fancied blokes?”

“It’s not something I just woke up one day and said, ‘right then, I think I’m going to fancy men.’ It’s something I’ve always felt.”  Remus had never told anyone this. 

Sirius didn’t say anything. “We don’t have to keep doing this, Sirius. If you’re uncomfortable, I mean.”   What did he mean, Remus wondered? He wanted Sirius. He wanted him for the rest of his life, a feeling he’d never felt for anyone before. Granted, he was only sixteen. 

“Did I ever tell you about being Sorted when I was eleven?”  Sirius asked.

It was an odd question, and very random, but Remus answered.     “No.”

“I walked up to the small bench where the rugged old hat sat, I sat down and McGonagall placed it on my head.  It fell over my eyes.  I was scared to death.  Bella and Narcissa had talked about the sorting, but I didn’t really know what it entailed.  I knew that if I weren’t sorted into Slytherin I’d be the biggest disappointment in the family.  Mother had made that clear.”  Sirius seemed hurt still to this day at that idea.  But he continued.  “ ‘A Black I see,’ the hat said into my ear.  I thought as hard as I could, ‘Please put me in Slytherin.  Everyone in my family has been in Slytherin.’  I might have even been saying it out loud I don’t really know.
   “ ‘I don’t think Slytherin is where you belong,’ ” the hat whispered to me.  I was terrified.
“ ‘No, it is,’ I thought.  ‘Please, Slytherin.’  I could only imagine how Mother would yell if I wasn’t placed in Slytherin.  The hat was silent for a moment that seemed like eternity and then said, ‘You could be much better in another house.’  Then the hat yelled the one word.  ‘Gryffindor’.”   Sirius looked at Remus, really looked at him.
“My heart sank.  It fell to my feet.  I looked out at my cousin Cissy sitting at the Slytherin table and she was glaring at me.  Staring at me so fiercely I thought she was going to kill me with her mind.  I stepped off the bench, probably looking like I’d been given a death sentence, and walked to the Gryffindor table.  They all looked at me like I didn’t belong there.  The Blacks had a reputation, and none of us had been put in Gryffindor.  When Andromeda was put in Ravenclaw five years earlier the family was in an uproar.  But Gryffindor?  It was the house I’d grown up only hearing bad things about.  How everyone in Gryffindor was a Mugglelover and a half blood.  I was a Black.  A family who went to great lengths to make sure our bloodline was kept pure. 
“I sat at the back of the table, where nobody would see me.  God, I wanted to be invisible.  I couldn’t think of how I was going to live the next seven years in this house.   I was alone at the back of the table.  Then do you know what happened?”

Remus shook his head.

“This small kid, with tawny brown hair sat across from me.”  Sirius smiled.  “You wouldn’t even look at me.  But I noticed you looked just as scared to be where you were as I did, and at that moment I felt I’d found a kindred spirit.  You didn’t talk to me, didn’t do anything.  Just sat.  James came and sat down next to me a few minutes later, after he’d been sorted.  I remember thinking, bleeding Potters they all get put into Gryffindor.  But he wasn’t rude to me, he wasn’t mean.  He just sat.  And the three of us sat, quietly, staring.  You and me looking more fearful then I think I’d ever seen you, James looking confident.  But it was you, Remus.  You who I shared that moment with.  I want to share moments with you.”  Sirius leaned in closer to Remus.  “Moments that scare me.  Moments that make me wonder what the fates are thinking.  But moments none the less.” 

Remus smiled.  What Sirius had just told him was out of character and very personal, and Sirius never talked about stuff like that. 

“I’m glad I got to share that moment with you.”  Sirius stared back in to fire.

Remus didn’t know if he meant the moment at their sorting six years ago, or the moment they’d just shared in the cold entranceway.  But either way, Remus was also glad.  Glad for both of those moments.  Remus’s gaze moved from Sirius to the fire, where he now stared as well.  And neither one said a word the rest of the night.


~~~*~~~

Prefects meeting.  Bloody Prefects meeting.  Remus was taking his time getting to the Saturday afternoon meeting.  He would rather be anywhere else.  In all honesty he would rather be with Sirius.  They had been very formal when they weren’t alone.  It was a week ago they’d met in the secret passage.  And except for a brief hello here and there, there was nothing else said. 

Remus opened the door to the room off the Great Hall where the other prefects were sitting.  It was the same old thing.  The Head Girl, a Ravenclaw, seemed bored to death as well, so the meeting ended after only twenty minutes.  And the group shuffled out of the room. 

Remus noticed Lily Evans give him a sideways glare and walk away.  Lily Evans was often rude to James and Sirius, often gave them glares that would kill an army.  But she was friendly to Remus.  She had to be, he figured, since they shared duties in the same house.  It seemed her contempt didn’t extend to him and Peter.

He didn’t understand it.  James and Sirius were the most eligible guys in Gryffindor.  Everyone wanted them.  But the only one James really wanted was this snooty auburn haired prefect.  “Lily?”

“What is it?”  She asked hurriedly.

“Did you really have to bring that up at the meeting?  The issue with James and Sirius skiving off History of Magic on Thursday?”

Lily looked at him, her gaze icy.  “They can’t keep getting away with things like that, Lupin.”

“Why not, what’s it hurting that they’re missing out on class?”
   
She ignored him and started walking away.

   “Why don’t you like my mates?”  Remus asked, walking at a brisk pace to keep up with her.

   She looked at him disgustedly then replied, “They’re bullies, Remus.  And you must be too since you don’t stop them.” 

   Remus sighed, “They’re just having fun.  They’ve never hurt you.” 

   “It doesn’t matter.  I’m a Prefect; I need to keep things in order.  You’re a Prefect too.  In case you’ve forgotten.”

   He hadn’t forgotten.  He put a hand on her shoulder and stopped her walking.  “Just give them a chance, okay?  They’re good guys.”

   Lily snorted but replied, “I’ll have to trust that you think they’re good guys.  I haven’t seen it.  But you seem decent, Lupin.  So I’ll take your word on that.  Please try to keep them more in line though, okay?”

   Remus smiled.  “Deal.”

   She smiled back at him, then clutched her books to her chest and walked ahead.

Remus stood in the hallway for a moment longer watching Lily walk away.  He guessed he could see what James saw in her; she was sort of pretty, for a girl.  Two girls walked past Remus, a fifth year blonde running into him, giving him a dirty look, then continued talking to her friend.

 “You know who I would want a go with?”  The blonde haired girl who ran into Remus said.  Remus rolled his eyes.  Girl talk.
“Who,” giggled the girl next to her?

“Sirius Black. He’s so dreamy.  Have you seen how he plays Quidditch?  The way his muscles flex?”  She giggled again.

Remus chuckled, and walked back to Gryffindor Tower to see his dreamy Quidditch player.

~~~*~~~


Remus looked at his watch.  It was 10:15.  The Common Room was starting to thin out.  He just finished his homework and was getting ready to go up to their dorm.  He hadn’t seen Sirius all day and was starting to wonder how long detention with Slughorn would take.

James was pouring over Quidditch Monthly, a magazine that his family owl delivered to him on the eighteenth of every month.  It took him about three hours to read it cover to cover, then they had to hear about it for the rest of the month.

Peter was finishing up his Potions homework.  He’d been given an extra half scroll because he’d turned his “Pretty Up” potion green, when it was supposed to be a nice light pink colour.

Remus bode James and Peter goodnight and went up to their room.  The room wasn’t empty.  Sirius had lit candles all around.  It was ridiculously romantic, and he wondered what Sirius would say if Peter or James came into the room and saw it.   

“I thought you were in detention,” Remus said.

“I was.  Got finished early, you weren’t here.” Sirius had a sly look on his face.

“What’s this?”  Remus asked, a smile playing on his lips.

“Candles,” Sirius said, dumbly. 

“I see that.  Why are there candles?  And what would you have done if I were Peter or James?”
Sirius chuckled.  “Well, James is only a quarter of the way through his first reading of Quidditch Monthly, so he’s going to be reading for another hour at least.  And Peter would believe anything I told him.  Plus he’s got a good lot more to do on his scroll.”

Remus smiled and took a step toward Sirius.  “So you thought this through then?”

Sirius smiled.  He stepped closer to Remus and was at his side in a second.  His hand reached for Remus’s chin and he bent down slightly to kiss him.

Remus reeled, the memories of the nights Sirius would climb into his bed flooding him.  The first time Sirius was finally able to go down on Remus.  The night their bodies intertwined as they jerked each other off.  The memories alone would make Remus hard, but Sirius moving his hand inside Remus’s robes was helping him along too.

“Sirius,” Remus said, in a quiet tone.  He leaned in and captured Sirius lips with his.  He was vaguely aware that James and Peter could come in at any moment, but right now he didn’t care who saw them.   He moved his hand across Sirius’s robes and pulled them off, not letting their lips part.  They casually made it across the room to Remus’s bed.

He moved his lips down Sirius’s body.  Sirius was trying to pull the robes off Remus, but the moans that escaped his mouth seemed to make the thought involved in the process impossible. 

Finally Sirius gave up and let Remus move his mouth downward until it reached the spot that made Sirius cry out.  “Remus,” Sirius gasped, pulling his lover up to look at him.  Remus looked at him questionably.  “Remus,” he said again, his voice hoarse.  “I want you,” he hesitated, as if thinking about what he really wanted.  “I want to feel you inside me.”

Remus didn’t move.  He wasn’t sure he’d heard right.   “Are you sure?”  He said softly, still unmoving.

“Yes,” Sirius replied.  His hand found Remus’s hair and ran his fingers through it.  Then reached for his wand and put a silencing spell around the bed and hoped to God James and Peter would be several hours longer. 

Remus pulled his robes off, his eyes never leaving Sirius.  His friend, his mate and now his lover.  Sirius was looking at him with hesitation.
“We don’t have to,” Remus said, though by now, naked and preparing himself with a lubrication charm from his wand, he sure hoped that wasn’t what Sirius was going to say.

“I want to.”  And Remus started to move his body to join it with Sirius’s body when Sirius interrupted again, “is it going to hurt?”  He asked.

   Remus took a deep breath.  “It may, a little, but if we do it right it shouldn’t be too bad.”  He looked into Sirius’s eyes, waiting for a sign that he was ready. 
   
It was Sirius who pulled Remus down on top of him.  It was Sirius who pulled his knees to his chest.  It was Sirius that moved so perfectly with Remus inside him that it seemed it was meant that way.  And it was Sirius who came first, his eyes never leaving Remus’s.  Watching him intently.  And when Remus placed his forehead on Sirius’s forehead, coming himself, he noticed a tear on Sirius’s cheek.

   “You alright?” Remus whispered, moving a kiss to his ear.

   “Perfect,” Sirius said back, meeting Remus’s lips with his.
     

         
~~~*~~~


It was sex, he tried to tell himself.  Nothing more, nothing less.  He and Sirius were the same as they used to be, they laughed together, and they played practical jokes on everyone.  They were the same.  Until night, when Sirius would climb into Remus’s bed, place a silencing spell around it and show him otherwise.  And sex with Sirius was something Remus wasn’t prepared for.  It was different than with Alexi.  It was fulfilling and special.  And Remus was surprised that he was willing to be that sort of friend to Sirius.  A best friend, who got what was needed from a lover.  In all honesty, nothing had changed, except the feral looks Sirius would give Remus.

The beginning of December brought a cold that Hogwarts hadn’t seen in years.  And while Hogwarts prepared for Christmas, Remus, Sirius, Peter and James prepared for the Full Moon.

“We’ve finished the Marauders Map, we’ve seen everything in the Forbidden Forest.  What can we do now?”  Peter looked at the group, who stared blankly at the table in the centre of their dorm, also at a loss.

“We can just be there.  You know, moral support and all that,” Sirius said, sneaking a glance at Remus. 

Remus tried to look indifferent, he tried to make his voice sound cool, but he knew he never was very good at that. That was Sirius’s gift. “You don’t need to be there,” he said, ignoring the feeling of contradiction in his chest. Please be there, that feeling said.

But if anyone could read Remus past his outer skin, it was Sirius. The man with many talents. “Come on, Remus, we’ve never let you down before,” Sirius said, giving him a meaningful look.

The other two, however, looked like they would rather be doing other things.  The three others had become Animagus only a year ago.  But since then they’ve said to found the full moon nights tedious.  They never told Remus that to his face, but the werewolf could hear conversations people think he can’t. 

Sirius took James and Peter’s lack of enthusiasm as a personal insult.  “Oi, you’re going to leave Remus to transform alone for the first time since he started school?” 

Remus looked at Sirius questionably.  “You lot have only been transforming with me since last year.”

Sirius thought for a moment then said, “You’re right.  But still.  We stood by you in the Hospital wing before we had the Animagus Transformations figured out.”

Peter and James were distracted by their work, and seemed no longer to be paying attention.  Sirius looked defeated.

“It’s alright, Sirius.  I can do it alone.”

“You won’t be alone,” Sirius said, raising his voice harshly so the other two could take a hint and feel guilty.  It didn’t seem to work.  Then he looked at Remus and said, in a sincere tone, “I’ll always be there for you.”





~~~*~~~

Remus entered the Shrieking Shack with Madame Pomfrey and shuddered.  He wondered if he’d ever be able to walk in this place and not feel a chill run down his spine.  He knew what this place represented.  What it meant.  He was a beast, and once a month they shut him away so he wouldn’t hurt anyone else. 

It was more humane then most places.  The Ministry had cages they put the werewolves in, only after they established the person wouldn’t become a menace to society.  The ones that were found menacing were put out of their misery, as Papa said.

But it wasn’t misery.  Remus was happy, and grateful to be alive.  And he almost couldn’t remember what life was like before he was bitten anyway.  It was something he’d learned to live with.  Something that gave him character, as James put it.  And though one night a month he turned into a wolf, and for three of four days afterward he suffered the pains from it, he wasn’t miserable.  He wouldn’t want to be taken to the Ministry to meet his death by a silver bullet.

“You’ll be alright then, dear?”  Madam Pomfrey asked.  She used to leave him with potions that would relieve pain.  Things she gave for basic cases of headache or stomach cramps, but they never worked. So she stopped bringing things she thought would help, by Remus’s request.  He wasn’t sick, so potions and charms wouldn’t help. There was nothing he could do to escape the long suffering of the night. [Something I think I forgot to correct in the previous chapters: it’s Madam Pomfrey in English, while Madame is the French version of the word]

Remus nodded his head, “Yes, Ma’am.  I’ll be fine.”  He turned and sighed.  The Shack was not large, and he would eventually end up upstairs where a good-sized four-poster bed sat.  But for the transformation he liked to be in the large room downstairs.  There were less things to break, and for skin and bones to be broken on.

Madame Pomfrey left in her usual manor, looking sorry she couldn’t help, but wanting to leave as soon as possible.  Once the entrance to the secret passageway was closed, Remus found an old wool covered chair in the corner.  It must have been added there recently, for the wolf hadn’t destroyed it yet.

He looked at a shadow in the corner.  At least that’s what he thought it was.  There was something odd moving in the air.  Then out of nowhere, Sirius materialized.

“Good God, Sirius, you scared the daylights out of me,” Remus said, startled as he watched a snickering Sirius ball up James’s Invisibility Cloak and toss it onto a wooden table.

Sirius moved closer to Remus, “So, it’s just you and me here tonight, we have a good forty-five minutes before full moon rises.”  He smiled a mischievous smile.  “Whatever shall we do?”

Remus couldn’t help but be amused.  “Well, we could play Exploding Snap?” he offered lightly.

Sirius looked thoughtful for a moment.  “We could, but I didn’t bring the marbles.”

Remus played along.  “Well, that could be a problem.  What about Inquisition? We don’t need any sort of…” but his play was interrupted by Sirius’s firm lips on his.  “Or we could play this.  This is fun,” he breathed when Sirius released his mouth.

He then moved his lips to Sirius’s neck.  “You taste like cinnamon.”  Remus kissed a particularly spicy patch of warm skin.

“That’s one I haven’t heard before,” Sirius said chuckling.  He reached down to touch Remus.

A good deal later, Sirius was spent and had a smug smile on his face.  “Was that as good for you as it was for me?”  He looked at his lover.  And he noticed his pupils were dilating.  He smiled, until he realized that Remus’s body was becoming hairy.  Remus was about to change.  Sirius transformed.

It was painful to watch.  Remus pulled at his skin and hair when his body made the horrible transformation from man to wolf.  And when the change was complete, the amber eyes of a wolf were staring into the grey eyes of a big black dog.  A fellow species. 

The wolf recognized the dog.  A pack member.  Yes, he knew.  But the scent on him was different.  A strong, poignant, godly scent.  The scent of sex.  Eyeing him the whole time, the wolf circled the dog.  And finally stopped and mounted him.  The wolf had found a mate.

~~~*~~~

The light creeping into the old dingy shack woke Remus.  And he felt great.  He had never felt this alive after a transformation.  He wondered why.  Wondered what was different.   

Remus saw Sirius lying next to him in dog form.  Remus leaned in and kissed his long mane of fur.  “Wake up, Sirius.” He said softly in the dog’s ear. 

Sirius’s eyes flittered and opened.

“Morning,” he said.  “You should go soon.  Day is here.”

It wasn’t until he was in human form that Remus noticed the love bite on his neck.  Remus couldn’t help but smile.  Next time he’d be more careful.  But it was hard for him to control himself when Sirius was doing what he did to Remus last night.
 
Sirius looked at him oddly at first, then smiled, put a hand on the back of Remus’s neck, and brought his mouth in for another kiss.

[Destyne]

Unless otherwise noted, all chapters will now be R rated.  (It's a good thing, really.)

Chapter Four

Christmas Holidays were approaching, and Remus was starting to feel depressed.  He missed his friends when he was gone, he always did.  He loved his family, but the three boys he shared a dormitory with were the most important people at that moment. 

James was, of course, going home to spend holidays with his family.  The Potters were a wealthy wizarding family, much like the Blacks.  Remus assumed Sirius’s family would be doing the same thing. 

Peter was spending his holiday the normal way, with his mother and two aunts.  Probably playing cards and having tea and biscuits.

Remus would be spending his holiday working at his parents’ café, his only companion, his younger sister Ophelia.

“Over the holidays, I’ll decrease your work load.  I only want one roll of parchment on Animal Transfiguration.”  Professor McGonagall grabbed the three rolls of parchment she’d been using for lecture, and left the room.

It was not going to be a fun holiday.


~~~*~~~


“I’ll never get enough of you,” Sirius whispered in Remus ear, his hot, heavy breath ghosting across his skin in that lustful way of his. Remus could only smile as he pulled out of him and lay on his back.  Sirius climbed into his arms.  “Mind if I sleep here tonight?”  Sirius asked.  He didn’t wait for an answer.  He was asleep before he finished rolling onto his back.

Remus stared up at the dark ceiling and the curtain of his four-poster and tried to get the smile off his face.  Normally he would have gotten up and studied or gotten some reading done, but there was nothing that could make him leave his bed now.  The warmth of the body next to him provided more comfort then the woolliest blanket ever made. 
   
   He rolled over on his side and silently studied the body next to him.  Sirius’s unclothed skin seemed to glow and radiate that after-sex heat that was so enticing.  It required a large amount of self-control for Remus not to take his hand and trace Sirius’s body.  So he traced it with his eyes.  Sirius was lying on his back, eyes closed and mouth slightly open.  Remus began at his forehead and memorized him.  The lines on the elevated flesh, the creases at the sides of his eyes, the cheeks that had been flushed from exertion just a few minutes earlier, were now blended in perfectly with his fair skin.
   
   He let his eyes rove downward until they came to the lips.  Sirius’s perfect lips; the same lips that provided Remus with so much pleasure and said the most scandalous things amidst in the heat of passion.  Remus smiled at the thought.  His gaze moved further down to Sirius’s neck and then to his chest that rose and fell with every breath Sirius took, and to the blanket that draped over him, just below Sirius’s navel. 

   Remus wanted to remove the blanket.  To study the form of Sirius’s body that not everyone had the pleasure to see, though, Remus thought, more had seen than he would have liked.  Instead Remus moved in closer to Sirius and whispered, “I think I’m falling in love with you.”  Then Remus rolled over on his side and closed his eyes, certain that the study he’d just performed would give him wonderful dreams. 


~~~*~~~


   Nice France.  It was a beautiful place, lush and green.  And still, Remus dreamed of being back at Hogwarts.  He sat in his bedroom, a small room in their chalet.  His sister, Ophelia, had the larger room.  It wasn’t fair, but Remus didn’t complain.  She was three years younger then he but she also came home more often. 
   
   Ophelia was in her third year at Beauxbatons.  The school Remus was supposed to go to, if he weren’t a werewolf, if the world weren’t afraid of him. 
   
   He got up and looked out the window of his room.  The small house was quiet.  His parents had gone to the station to pick Ophelia up.  Remus had just arrived the day before.  His first night in the house was a troublesome one.  And above all, he missed Sirius.
   
   His dreams were filled with the most horrible memories he’d had.  Surely there was a Dementor standing outside his room at night.  His dream last night was one of the earliest memories he had.  And the one that would never leave him.  He was an animal.  After his bite, he remembered it was said over and over again.  He didn’t feel any different, but to everyone else he was.
   
   To a five-year-old boy, becoming a werewolf was all a lot to take.  He hadn’t understood it, until the full moon a month later.  His parents had taken him to the French Ministry of Magic where they monitored him in a cage like an animal.  Because, everyone told him, that’s what he was now. 
   
   It was horrible and painful.  And until Remus learned to read, he didn’t know what it all meant.  He thought it was a punishment for something he’d done, for letting Ophelia run off when they were camping.  Once he was able to, he read every book he could find on werewolves.  His mother gave him some of her magical books.  But no book taught him more then the raw experience itself.
   
   His mother rarely used magic again.  The fireplace in the chalet was boarded up until Remus and Ophelia started school.  Mum used it now to talk to them, but for nothing else.  And Papa built a shed in the backyard determined his son would not be placed in a cage.  But the shed was a cage in itself.  Symbolic of the monster he’d become.
   
   And eleven years later that shed still stood.  As sturdy as ever.  Waiting for Remus to come home on holiday and use it.  Use it as a cage.  Every time a full moon approached, he wished that the disorder would go away, to leave him alone.  But every full moon he transformed.  And every transformation was as fierce and painful as the last, until the most recent one.  That was when just Sirius was with him.  The physical pain had still been as real as ever, but the feeling of tranquillity the morning after had erased the pain in his heart.  He hadn’t been as ashamed as usual.  He didn’t know why.

   When he got his letter from Hogwarts, personally delivered by Professor McGonagall herself, he thought now he would be normal.  Now he would be just like everyone else.  He made friends.  Friends who did things for him that he was sure no other human would ever do.  They’d studied for three years and became animals themselves.  It didn’t matter that their transformations weren’t quite the same as his, or as painful, but they were done at will, and it was more then Remus could ever asked for.  He swore that when he became older, he would help find a cure for Lycanthropic Disorder. 

   “Remus,” a voice called through the closed door.  Remus turned, startled that he was so deep in thought. 
   He walked to the door and opened it slowly.  And on the other side stood a thirteen-year-old girl with light brown hair and brown eyes.  “Ophelia,” Remus said, smiling.
   
   She entered his room and proceeded to tell him all about school, listening in turn to Remus as he told her about his own school life.  They had a relationship Remus had never known a brother and sister to have.  She was his best friend.  She was one of the most important people in his life. 

~~~*~~~
   
   It had to be past midnight.  Remus lay awake.  His thoughts swimming with the last night he shared with Sirius.  His beautiful grey eyes.  The look he had in them when he reached a climax.  It was too much. 

   Remus got up, put a blanket over himself, sure the nightgown he was wearing would not keep out the chill.  He walked to the entrance room of the chalet.  As quietly as he could he sat in front of the fireplace, debating.

   He wanted to talk to Sirius.  He’d received an owl from Sirius just after dark.  The letter sounded impatient and desperate.  Remus read it over several times.
   
Remus,

I miss you.  Painfully.  It’s only been one day and already I long for you.  Perhaps I will manage to make it through holiday without you?  Perhaps I won’t knock on your door one evening and beg for you to take me. 
The family holiday party is tomorrow night and Mother is getting all ready for it.  All of the Black family will be there and even some of the satanic spawns from my mum’s family will appear.  I shudder.  But I will make it through. 
  I can’t wait to hear from you, even if it is just through owl. 
You know you can Floo me anytime.  Anytime. 

Sirius

   Deciding he’d take the risk, he placed his head in the fireplace, threw in the Floo Powder, and said, “Number 12 Grimmauld Place.”

   He was staring into the dining room of a large manor.  Remus had never been to Grimmauld Place.  He wasn’t sure how he would get Sirius.  Calling for him would surely achieve nothing, as this manor seemed huge.

   But a mere moment later a tiny house elf, wearing a cloth stamped with the words, “the Most Ancient and Noble House of Black.”  The House Elf saw Remus and did a double take.  Then walked to the fireplace.

   “Can Arbie help you?”  She asked, in a squeaky voice.

   “I’m,” Remus stopped.  Would he get Sirius into trouble?  “I wish to talk to Sirius,” he said, quickly.

   “Master Sirius is sleeping, sir.”  The elf was eyeing him suspiciously.

   “Oh, alright.”  Remus was about to withdrawal his head when the elf replied.

   “Arbie can get Master Sirius for you, if you wishes.”

   Remus nodded.  “Please.  Thank you,” he said.  The House Elf disappeared. 

   It seemed to take a while for Sirius to come to the fireplace.  Remus was starting to wonder if the elf forgot.  Perhaps Sirius didn’t want to talk to him.  But eventually, Sirius’s tired, and to Remus’s delight, very scantily clad, figure appeared.

   “Remus,” he said, softly. 

   Remus couldn’t control his smile.  “I miss you,” was all he said, and then kicked himself for sounding so desperate.

   To his glee, a smile crept to Sirius’s face.  “God, I miss you too, and it’s only been a day.”

   Remus put his hand up to the flame, wanting to touch Sirius, but knowing he’d get burnt. 

   At the same moment, Sirius put his hand as close to the flame as he dared.  Their hands were facing each other.  And Remus wished the flames would be gone so he could feel Sirius.  But he closed his eyes and tried to imagine the hand that was so close, yet so far, touching his.
   And he could almost feel it.  “Remus,” Sirius said, softly and sincerely. 

   He just nodded, trying to convince himself he was back in his dormitory.  Trying to tell himself he was lying with Sirius in bed.

   Without much thought, his free hand reached inside his dressing gown and found a hard muscle.  His body missed Sirius too, it seemed.

   Afraid he was frightening Sirius, he opened his eyes, and saw that Sirius had his hand inside his black drawers as well.  His eyes were on Remus, deep and intense.

   “Talk to me,” Sirius said.  “Make me believe you are here.”

   Remus talked.  Said things he couldn’t believe were leaving his lips.  And with each scandalous mention of what he wanted to do to Sirius, he heard a groan.  His own hand was stroking his erection needily, but he kept talking, until he could no longer speak, his eyes never leaving Sirius, who was imitating Remus’s every stroke on himself.  Remus came, using the last of his strength to say Sirius name.

   And he was able to watch Sirius for a brief moment until Sirius threw his head back and came as well. 

   “I need to kiss you,” Remus said, when Sirius looked at him, a little embarrassed about what they’d just done.

   “Save them.  Save the kisses.  Then when I see you again in three weeks you can bestow every single kiss on me.” 

   He has a way with words sometimes, Remus thought.  His words were beautiful.  He was beautiful.  Maybe someday Remus would tell him that.

   They spent the next quarter of an hour just looking at each other, until Remus fell asleep in front of the fireplace.  When he woke then next morning, wrapped in his blanket and sticky from the night before. His parents were looking questionably at him.




~~~*~~~

“Sirius,” a loud voice boomed.  Sirius woke from his sleep.  He wasn’t sure he’d actually heard his mother.  It could have been the dream he’d been having where Remus was also calling his name.
 “Sirius, come down here.” It was his mother. He cursed her and threw a robe on over his pyjama bottoms. He needed to do something about the problem the dream had caused, but the robe covered enough, and he was able to walk down the spiral staircase.
 
“Mother,” Sirius mumbled. “What is it?”

“Who were you on the Floo with last night? The fireplace is in horrid condition.”
             
   “Kreacher can clean it,” Sirius began to turn to go back upstairs.

“Whom were you talking to?” She asked again, less patient.

 “Just a friend from school,” Sirius said, feeling uncomfortable. Not only would his mother not like the idea of Sirius talking to a werewolf, he was also a Gryffindor. And the boy Sirius was involved with.

 She eyed him suspiciously. “You’re meeting with Elyn Powell’s family today. You are remembering that?” She walked to him casually, but something in her movements told Sirius there was nothing casual about this. He stiffened up. He’d also forgotten about the meeting completely.

“Yes Ma’am,” he said.

“Your father has the ring you are to present to her at the time. Of course we will accompany you. It’s only fitting.”

Sirius felt a twinge in his stomach. This should be no surprise to him. He’d been betrothed to Elyn since he was 3 years old.

 “Do something about that hair, Sirius. It’s too long.” Walburga pulled his wavy hair slightly.

“Yes, Ma’am,” Sirius replied again.

 “All right. I’ll send Arbie up with your robes and things when it gets closer to time.”
And Walburga Black turned to leave, much to Sirius’s relief.

How on earth was he going to get out of his betrothal?  He’d tried not to think about it for 13 years hoping that maybe it would go away.   Not only was he starting to care deeply for Remus, he didn’t want to marry a girl who’s parents were dark wizards. This was the reason they’d wanted him betrothed. So he’d make the family proud with whom he chose as a mate. He rolled his eyes and walked back up to his room. Once he was safe in the privacy of his room he pulled out a piece of parchment and wrote first to James and then to Remus, telling both how much he dreaded the meeting with Elyn. But his letter to Remus extended a bit farther.

   Remus,
    This won’t get to you before tonight, I’m sure. But I need to get this off my chest.
 I told you a while ago about a family my parents were friends with. The Powells. Well, tonight I’m to make my betrothal to their only daughter Elyn official. I can’t think of anything except you. Would you be willing to be with me even if I was betrothed?  I can’t imagine not being with you.
Your touch, Remus, sends me into a trance. I don’t know what that means. I just know that since I shared my body with you, there’s nobody else I want to share it with. When I get lonely, when I feel helpless, I imagine your face when you come. I imagine your lips curled around my cock. The thought itself is enough to make me fly to your house and show you exactly how badly I want you. Please know I do want you, no matter what happens with these people tonight. I can’t wait to see you again. To touch you again.
      Always,
       Sirius


He’d never written a letter like that before.  His face was flush and hot.   He folded it up and placed it carefully on his desk. He would send the owl once he took a cold shower. That was what he needed most at the moment.

He picked up his bathing robe and walked to the lavatory off his bedroom. The shower hit the spot and Sirius felt like a new man when he opened the door to his bedroom.

 Arbie the House Elf was just leaving his room when he entered. “Your robes, Master Black,” she said, pointing.
   
   “Thanks,” he mumbled. He picked the dark violet robes off the lounge chair in the corner of the room. His mother obviously picked the dress robes. Sirius hated violet.

He walked to his dresser and pulled open a drawer, smiling at the picture he had of himself, James, Peter and Remus hanging on his mirror. He had to be careful not to leave it there when he left for school, but when he couldn’t be with his mates he could at least see their smiles. He laughed out loud when James stuck out his tongue and the Sirius in the picture placed bunny ears over his head. Sirius pulled on his favourite tee shirt, the Dover Dragon Quidditch team in bright green, and some loose fitting trousers. If he was going to be miserable he might as well be comfortable doing it. He walked back to his desk and reached for his comb. He didn’t know what his mother was talking about. His hair wasn’t too long. It only just touched his ear lobe. It didn’t matter. If he were bald she would still say his hair was too long. Sirius slicked it back with a magical tonic and looked at himself.

 “Your appearance is fine. Your mood could do with some altering,” the mirror said.

“Yeah, tell me about it,” he sighed. This only made him wish he hadn’t left the double-sided mirror he shared with James at Hogwarts. He could use some moral support from his best friend. Instead, he’d have to settle for owling.

 He reached down and picked up the parchment he’d left on the desk. There was just one. He knew he left both letters there. He looked around on the floor. It was spotless as ever. Beginning to fear the worst, Sirius opened the parchment he had in his hand. It was the letter to James. That meant the letter he’d written to Remus was missing. And to his knowledge the only other living thing in his room that day was… “Arbie!” Sirius shouted. He ran to the door and pulled it open. “Arbie, come here!” He started to move down the long hallway toward the downstairs bedrooms when he heard his father’s voice.

 “Sirius. A word please.” The voice came from his father’s sitting room just down the stairs.  Sirius stopped. He had to find out what Arbie did with the letter, but he couldn’t ignore his father. He took a deep breath, hoped that whatever it was his father wanted was brief, and walked into the sitting room.

“Yes, sir,” Sirius said. Then to his horror he noticed his mother sitting in the room also. And she was holding a letter. Not just any letter. Sirius’s heart lurched from his chest.

“Where did you get that?” He demanded, cold sweat moistening his palms.

“Arbie found it. Thought the contents of it would interest us,” Walburga said, her voice cool.

 “You’re having the House Elves go through my things then?” Fury surged through his veins as he fought to keep the horror off his face.

 “How else are we to know what you do at that school?” Walburga threw the letter down on the side table and crossed the room. “What is the meaning of that?” She pointed to it.

All Sirius wanted was to grab the letter and run. Run to where, he didn’t know. He swallowed and said; “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” It was obvious he was lying.

“Who is this Remus?” Orion Black asked.

 “He’s a friend,” Sirius looked at his feet. There was a silence so thick in the room he could have cut it with a knife. Then the only person who could have made this situation worse entered the room.

 “Arbie said you wanted to see me,” Regulus stood in the doorway.

Walburga’s eyes lit up. “Reg, do you know of someone at school named Remus?”

Regulus’ eyes went from his mother to Sirius then back to his mother. He got a mischievous grin on his face. “Yes, Mother.”

 “What do you know about him?” Walburga crossed the room slowly as Regulus talked. Sirius still looked at the floor.

“He’s in Gryffindor. Sirius and his stupid friends always hang out with him. Same year I believe.”

 Walburga Black handed Regulus the letter and the room was quiet for a minute. Then snickers erupted from the younger boy. “You’re a Nancy boy?” This information seemed to make Regulus’ day. “This explains things a bit. I’ve always known there was something weird about you.”

Sirius kept his gaze on the floor, knowing now if he looked up he’d pummel his brother across the hall. There had to be a way out of this.

Walburga walked to Sirius. She stood directly in front of him then placed her finger gently under his chin. She pushed his face up to look at her. “You are a disgrace to our family.”  Her voice was quiet and deadly.  “You will rectify this immediately. If you do not, your father will find out where this boy lives and he will make sure you never see him again. You will meet with the Powells and you will become engaged to Elyn. You will not return to that school. Nor will you see any of your friends again. Is this understood, Sirius?”

Sirius didn’t know what to say. The prospect of living the lives his parents lived made him want to jump off his broomstick when it was fifty feet in the air. But the idea of never seeing James, Peter or Remus again was enough to kill him right there.

 “Sirius Black, you will answer your mother,” Orion ordered coldly. Sirius knew that no matter what he did he would never make them happy. He was tired of trying.

 He looked his mother directly in the eyes and said, “No. I won’t. I won’t live the life you planned out for me. I won’t marry Elyn. And I won’t stop seeing my friends.” And before Sirius could register the disgusted look on his mother’s face, a curse hit him hard in the back and threw him to the floor. Another followed. This curse throwing a blow at his stomach. Sirius moaned at the pain.

“Tell your mother you will do as she says.” Sirius’s father was now standing above him, his wand pointed directly at Sirius.

 Sirius didn’t say a word.  He shook his head in the negative. Another curse hit him, driving a blow to his face, which now started bleeding. Sirius scrunched his face up, still curled on the floor. “You will not disgrace us anymore, Sirius. You will not ruin the name of the Black family. And you will repeat those words to my face.”

Sirius could hear Regulus laughing in the corner of the room. His mother’s fury was written on her pale face. His father’s wand remained pointed at his chest. Sirius wasn’t going to wait for the next blow. He gathered all the strength he had and stood up. His parents’ eyes watching him stumble to his feet. He looked at those eyes with his own grey ones and said, “I won’t do what you want.”

But before the next curse could hit him Sirius had moved, and was out the door. He escaped into his room before his parents could catch him, threw a quick locking charm on his door and grabbed as much of his belongings as he could. He threw it all in his trunk and headed out the window of the fourth floor room. He stared down at the lawn below, all the while aware of the pounding on his bedroom door. They would get it opened soon, he knew. He had to hurry. He closed his eyes, threw his trunk over the edge, and followed it to the ground. He collided with the terrain and groaned in pain, just as he heard shouts coming from his bedroom window.

“If you leave, Sirius, you will never step foot inside this house again!” Walburga screamed, appearing at the ledge of his window. Sirius turned impassive eyes at her. As if he would want to come back anyway. He stared at his mother for a moment, then turned and carried his trunk away. He never looked back.

[Brighty18]

Oh! Poor Sirius! This is one of the first times we've seen life from his POV.

Excellent installment, my dear, exellent. I loved Remus' home life and especially Ophelia. Yeah, I can see him being French. Still the flashbacks of him growing-up and that imagine of a cage was very powerful and moving.

I also loved that Sirius stayed with Remus when the others lost interest. You don't see that too often, but I could see it. The novelty of becoming an Animagus vs. actually dealing with poor Remus' transformations.

And there first time was very sweet and very loving.

Really nice!

[laciemn]

Heylo, I've read chapter 3 but not yet 4...quite a big update :p. I think it was better than the first chapters. I liked the beginning a lot, especially how Sirius opens up to Remus. And like brighty said --their first time  . Hehe, sorry it took so long to read it. I'm slacking off on the forums lately .

[Destyne]

So it's been like a year (actually more), sorry I've been MIA.  What a bad year it was...lol.  But I'm back in the saddle and have more fic for everyone.  YAY.    Here are the new chapters...chapter 6 will be in the next reply. 

In the next chapters our puppies have to deal with the fallout of the Shrieking Shack thing. 

To restate:  This chapter is rated R for mild sex and Sirius and Remus's potty mouths. 




Chapter 5


It had been exactly one week since Remus heard anything from Sirius.  And he himself had sent two or three owls to him already.  Downtrodden and fearing maybe the whole thing had been just a fantasy, he walked down to breakfast.  He had three days until he returned to school.  Then he’d have to face Sirius.  What if Sirius just played it off like nothing happened?  Or, worse yet, Remus’s heart gave an ache, what if Sirius found someone else over holiday?

“You all right, Remus?”  his mother asked.

“Oui,” Remus replied, used to his French language when at home.

She spooned some eggs and sausages onto his plate.  It was a very British breakfast. It seemed his mother was returning to her English roots today.  She had her moments; sometimes she was as French as the day was long, and other times she sat in a large pouf chair with tea and biscuits. 

A matted haired thirteen-year-old entered the room, carrying a piece of parchment in her hands.  “Owl just delivered.  Don’t know why he brought it to my room, bugger.”  Ophelia dropped the letter in Remus’s lap and sat at the table, eyeing the brewing latté with want.

Remus looked at the letter.  The rough and small writing on the outside told him whom it was from.

Remus Lupin
Fernhouse Villa
Nice, France

That it was addressed so formally was also a worry.  He looked up.  His mother was bustling around Ophelia.  Ophelia was trying to tell her mother that at Beaubaxtons they had latté every morning.  “My children will not drink such drinks in my house until they are older,” she said, pouring grape juice in Ophelia’s cup.  She huffed, but drank it anyway.

They seemed distracted enough.  Remus opened the letter gently. 

Remus

Sorry it’s been a while.  It’s been a very eventful holiday for me.  I’m with James now.  Don’t worry, I’m all right.  Can’t wait to see you in a few days.

Sirius

He didn’t feel any better.  If anything he felt worse.  Why was it so formal?  Why was he with James?  Would it be too desperate for Remus to write him back, begging Sirius not to leave him?  Yes, it would.  Remus had dignity.  If Sirius wanted out, then that’s what Remus would give him.  It was too good to last anyhow, he told himself.

The night before returning to school Remus and Ophelia observed their childhood tradition.  They brought their bed linens to the lounge in the house, started a fire and sat up drinking hot cocoa and talking.  They used to be inseparable as children.  Made sense, as Remus had no other children to play with.  Ophelia looked to her brother with admiration; she loved these nights. 

Remus held his cocoa and sat down next to his sister.  He was wearing his stripped nightgown again, and Ophelia had a pink robe over her matching pink nightgown.

“How is school?”  Remus asked.  He would have gone to Beauxbatons were he not a werewolf.  That, so far, has been the only good thing to come of being a monthly beast.

“Fine.  I’m having a hard time with my Mystical Creatures class.  I almost got detention once.”

Remus laughed, if only Ophelia knew how many times he skirted detention.  “What happened?”

“Well, they were doing a lesson on werewolves.  Remus, it’s amazing how many people have misconceptions about that.”  She turned to look at him.

“Yes,” was all he replied.

“I couldn’t tell them that you are a werewolf, so I just had to tell them that I knew more then they did about it.  Well, the Professor didn’t like that.  I shut my mouth after that, but still.  I won’t pretend that the things they say are the way werewolves are.  You aren’t vicious, Remus.  You are maybe the least vicious person I know.”

Remus smiled.  “I work hard at it though.  It’s not natural for me to be calm, especially when the moon is gaining fullness.  But yes, I suspect you do know more about werewolves then most.”

She smiled at that, then continued.  “Tayce Tedre was very loud about the fact that I think I’m a know it all.  She said something about it right in front of Gereth Bagot.  It’s interesting her name means silence.  She’s the least silent person I know.”

Remus laughed.  He liked it when Ophelia talked; it was calming to listen to her life.  “Who is Gereth Bagot?  You’ve never mentioned him before,” he took a sip of cocoa.

If the room was lighter he could have seen that Ophelia was blushing.  “Oh, he’s nobody.  He’s a fourth year.  He plays Quidditch, a Chaser.”

Remus smiled.  As far as he knew, this was his sister’s first fancy.  “Should I be brotherly and check him out?  Is he good enough for you?” 

“Remus, he’s got a girl.  I wouldn’t have a chance with him anyway.  I’m too plain.” 

“Who told you that?”  Remus asked.  He thought Ophelia was one of the prettiest girls he knew. 

“Nobody has to tell me that, I have eyes,” she replied with attitude.

“I think you’re beautiful.”

“Yeah, well, you’re my brother.  You have to say that.”  Remus was about to say that he didn’t, but Ophelia didn’t give him the chance.  “So do you fancy anyone?”

This was the last thing he’d expected to hear.  He choked down some cocoa and said, “Um, I don’t know.”  Knowing full well he was lying.  She obviously knew he was lying too.

“Remus, I’m thirteen.  I’m not a kid anymore.  I know you don’t fancy girls.  I think I knew before you told Mum and Papa.”

He stared at her with disbelief.  She was one of the most grown up thirteen-year-old he knew sometimes.  He didn’t know what to say.

“It’s all right you know.  I mean, it was confirmed when I heard Mum and Papa arguing about it, but it wasn’t surprising.”

“They were arguing about it?  What did they say?”

“Well, Mum said that as long as you were happy then that’s all she really wanted anyway.  Papa said you were just confused and you needed to be around more girls.”  She didn’t know what a stab in the chest that was.  His father didn’t understand.

“Oh,” was all he could say.

After a moment of silence Ophelia asked again, “So, is there anyone you fancy?”

Remus did turn red and said, “Yes, there is.”

She smiled.  “Good.  You deserve to fancy someone.”  She leaned her head on his shoulder and they stared into the flames together.

~~*~~

The Hogwarts Express left the next morning at ten o’clock.  Remus almost didn’t make it; the connecting train from Paris was late.  He walked down the long corridor, past the door that said “Prefects only”, and peeked into each compartment.  He looked for nearly five minutes before he finally saw the mousy blonde hair of Peter and the calluses on James head.

“Moony,” Peter said once Remus entered the compartment.  Remus put his bag on top of the seat and sat across from James and Peter.  It was quiet and they just looked at him for a minute before James said, “How was your holiday?” 

Remus couldn’t take it anymore.  He blurted, “Where’s Sirius?” 

“Loo,” Peter answered him.  “How was your holiday?”  Peter echoed James previous question.

“Oh, fine.”  There was a tense silence in the room.  A silence like one they’d never had before.  It was uncomfortable and strange.  “What’s wrong?”  Remus finally asked.
The compartment door opened and Sirius stood at the threshold.  When he saw Remus, his face lit up.  “Moony.  I thought you’d gone to the Prefects compartment.  Only I walked by there and you weren’t in.”

He was looking for Remus?  This made his breathing shallow for a moment.  Then he composed himself, for too much more of this and Peter and James would know. Remus said, “Nah.  Train from Paris to London was late.”

Sirius nodded and sat next to Remus, the only available seat in the compartment.  But he sat a little closer then normal, his thigh touching Remus’s.  It was all he could think about while James and Sirius talked Quidditch and Peter told of his holiday with his aunts.

“So, are you going to tell us about your holiday, Padfoot?”  Peter asked, plucking a holiday chocolate newt and tossing it in his mouth.

Sirius looked at James, then at Remus and finally answered,  “Got chucked out for Christmas.  Best present they could have given me.” 

“What?”  Remus asked, startled.  “They kicked you out?”

“It’s alright, Moony.  James’s family took great care of me.  I’m practically a Potter now,” Sirius chuckled.

“Unfortunately,” James recanted.  Sirius gestured rudely at him, but his smile showed he was kidding.

Remus didn’t find it funny though.  “What happened?”

Sirius gave him a fierce look.  “What does it matter?  It was bound to happen, I’m glad it did.  I’m done with them anyway.”

Remus didn’t say another word about it.  Neither did anyone else.  Until that night.

~~~*~~~

“Are you ever going to tell me why you moved out?”  Remus asked, finally alone with Sirius and holding his naked form against his own in post coital bliss.
“You want to talk about my family after you just buggered me into the mattress?”  Sirius placed a kiss on Remus’s nose.

Remus turned away and looked at the wall, angry at the avoidance. 

Sirius sat up.  “Okay, Moony, I’ll tell you.”  Remus looked up at Sirius. “They found out about you.” 

“That I’m a werewolf?”  Remus’s stomach sank to his feet.

Sirius couldn’t help but smile.  “No.  They found out and you and me.”

Remus couldn’t help but be relieved.  It was one thing for them to know he was gay; it was a matter of his safety if the Blacks found out he was a werewolf.

Sirius continued looking down at his hands, “Do your parents know?” 

Remus nodded, “I told them after I met Alexi.” 

“How did they take it?”  Sirius brought his eyes up to meet Remus’s.

Remus sighed.  “They were quiet.  They accepted it.  I don’t think it’s sunk in.  They think that one day I’ll wake up and marry a woman and have babies.”

“But even if you never do get married, they’ll still love you.” 

Remus could see the jealousy in Sirius’s eyes.  “Your parents love you, Sirius.  They do.  I don’t see how they couldn’t.”  He leaned in closer and put his forehead on Sirius’s.

Sirius didn’t believe that, but he didn’t want to tell Remus.  He just smiled.  “Thanks.”

They were quiet another brief moment before Remus asked,  “Does James know?”

Sirius licked his lips, thinking hard, “I’m not sure.  I think he probably does.  He’s a bright one.  I told him I had a falling out with my family.  He asked for details and I told him a few.”

“Like what?”  Remus asked, his curiosity getting the better of him.
“I was betrothed to a girl named Elyn.  I think I told you that once?”  Sirius gave a questioning glance at Remus, not sure how Remus would feel about this. Remus only vaguely remembered this.  It was mentioned a couple of years ago but never brought up again.  “I told my parents I didn’t want to marry her.  That was enough for James.  But my parents weren’t satisfied with that.  They sent the house elf into my room to go through my things.  They found a letter I wrote to you.”

Remus sat up, intrigued.  “Really?  And what was in the letter?” 

Sirius blushed.  “Just all the things I wanted to do to you.”  He leaned in and kissed Remus’s cheekbone.

“What did you want to do to me?”  Remus asked, closing his eyes and taking in the kisses Sirius was bestowing.

“Everything I just did.  Only it’s far better to do it in person then to have to bugger off to a piece of parchment.”

Remus nodded in agreement.  Sirius’s hand moved down their already naked bodies and Remus met his lips.


Later the next day Sirius was sitting quietly on his bed when James came storming into the dormitory.  “Bloody Evans.  Just took 20 points from Gryffindor.”

Sirius was surprised to hear James talk about Lily that way.  “Why?”  he asked.

“Because I hexed your brother.”  James kicked his shoes off and punched his pillow.

Sirius smiled, “You should have gotten me; we could have hexed him together.”

James didn’t look at Sirius.  “He was saying things about you,” James replied angrily.

Sirius felt his stomach fall to his feet.  His tone was no longer playful.  “What did he say?”

“He said you were a queer.  That’s why your family kicked you out.  I won’t have him talking about my best mate that way.”
Silence.  Sirius felt the blood rush out of his face.  James noticed the quiet and looked at Sirius.  “I know, it’s shite the way he talks about you.”  James opened his mouth to keep ranting when Sirius cut him off.

“I’m sorry,” his voice was just above a whisper.  “I’m sorry you had to hear that from him.”

James stared at Sirius.  Again, silence.

“It’s Remus…” Sirius couldn’t finish the sentence.  The look James was giving him made him question everything he’d ever thought about James.

“What’s Remus?”  James asked, slowly.

“My family found out.  That’s why I left.”

“Sirius, what are you talking about?”  James asked.

“Remus. I didn’t think how that would affect him,” Sirius said, mostly to himself.

“You told your family you fancied Remus, just to piss them off?” 

Sirius looked at James.  “No,” he replied.

“Then I don’t know what you’re going on about,” James said.

Sirius swallowed and said, “James, I do fancy Remus.  A lot.  We’ve been carrying on for a few months now.”

James didn’t say anything at first.  “But…” He seemed like he’d been hit with a Confundus charm. “But Remus is a bloke.”

Sirius smiled, despite himself.  “Yes, I know.”

James looked at Sirius shocked and got up to leave.  “Your bloody brother...  you…you’re a queer…” he didn’t seem to be saying it to Sirius, more muttering it to himself.  But he went to the door and started to leave.

Sirius chased after James.  “Potter.  Potter,” he yelled.  “You are such a bleeding hypocrite.  You don’t care if Remus fancies blokes, but if I do…”

“Fuck off, Black,” James turned and shouted at Sirius.  He reached for his wand, then recanted, leaving Sirius speechless.  He turned back to look at Sirius.  “I care that it’s Remus.  Hasn’t he been through enough?  You’re going to break his heart, Sirius.”

Sirius looked betrayed.  “I’m not, James.  It’s not like what you’re thinking.  I really care about him.”

James didn’t respond.  He looked at Sirius like he’d never really seen him before.  Then turned and left the dormitory.

~~~*~~~

“Black,” a sneer called after Sirius as they were leaving Defence Against the Dark Arts.
 
Sirius and James turned around to see Snape standing alone.   “Snivellus, how are you?” Sirius asked condescendingly. 

Snape walked closer to him.  “Your brother says you’re a pansy.”

Sirius let a small smirk creep to his face, trying to hide his panic at James hearing this.  “You really aren’t my type,” Sirius said.  James laughed much to Sirius’s relief.

“What are you laughing at, Potter?  Are you his lover?”  Snape narrowed his eyes and looked at James.

James face fell and he looked severely at Snape. 

Snape’s gaze went back to Sirius.  “Seems Lupin would be more your type.  He’s a fairy too you know.  Made a pass at me a few years back.”

Snape wasn’t able to say more because Sirius lunged at him and hand his hand around Snape’s neck.  “I wouldn’t mess with Remus if I were you,” Sirius said through clenched teeth.

Snape escaped from Sirius’s grip and snarled, “Why not?  You think you could protect him?  Or that he could take care of himself?” Snape paused, eyes glinting.  “Or perhaps he’s really a werewolf.”

Sirius froze, his eyes narrowing dangerously. He opened his mouth to say something, but James said, loudly, “Sirius.” 

Sirius and Snape were staring each other down, and finally, after a long moment, Sirius let a smirk curl onto his face.

“Alright then, why don’t you go to the Whomping Willow next full moon and see?” he said coolly. “Just prod the knot…”

“Sirius, don’t,” James said more loudly, cutting Sirius off. 

Sirius winked at Snape and let his tongue graze his bottom lip before turning down the corridor with James.

“What did you just do?”  James hissed at Sirius.

“He won’t go, James.  He was trying to get a rise out of me.”  Sirius still had his hand firmly on his wand.

“Well, it worked,” James said, sighing.

[Destyne]

Chapter Six

As far as full moons went, this one was bad.  Remus remembered the last one when he woke up alone with Sirius and felt like he’d had a pleasant night’s sleep.  This time his body was aching, much more then usual.  And when he came out of his transformation, Dumbledore was sitting on a chair in the corner of the Shrieking Shack.

Something was wrong.  Something had happened.  The pain in Remus’s body was shoved aside as his fear of what Dumbledore was doing there moved in.  Had he bitten one of his mates?  Peter, or Sirius, or James?  He would never forgive himself if he had.  He would leave Hogwarts.  He would want to die.

Finally Dumbledore spoke and offered a glass of water.  “I know you’re tired and hurting, Mr Lupin.  I would like a few words with you.  Would you like to sleep first?”

Oh God, Remus thought.  No, let’s just get this out of the way.  “Tell me,” was all his hoarse voice could say.

Dumbledore clapped his hands and James, Peter, Sirius and, to Remus’s bewilderment, Snape, came from the woodwork. “Would you like to tell him what happened, Mr Black, or shall I?”
   
Remus turned his gaze to Sirius.  He didn’t look like he’d been bitten.  He quickly moved his gaze to the rest of the gang.  Snape looked madder then Remus had ever seen him, but unharmed.  His gaze went back to Sirius.  Sirius’s eyes were pleading with Remus.  A begging and pleading of a man who looked as if he’d done the worst thing a man could do.
   
When nobody spoke after a moment Dumbledore continued.  “It seems you, Madam Pomfrey and myself aren’t the only ones who know about the Shrieking shack.”  He seemed mad, but still calm.  Still gentle.  Remus noticed Madam Pomfrey walk in with her usual potions, and a few extras and started to dab at the bits of Remus that were exposed.
   
“Last night a most unfortunate event happened.  Mr Snape discovered you.  Someone told him how to enter the tree.  It was only by very good fortune Mr Potter got to him before Mr Snape could enter too far.”

Remus felt his heart sink.  His eyes ached.  He looked at his three best friends and tried to see any one of them telling Snape.  But he knew which one did.  He knew Sirius was responsible.  And when his eyes met Sirius’s they met a shameful expression.
   
“I needn’t remind you three,” Dumbledore was looking at Sirius, James and Peter now, “of the severity of this action.  There will be some disciplinary measures taken.  I don’t want any of you,” and he went back to looking at all the boys, “to ever follow Mr Lupin in here again.”
   
“Professor,” Snape piped in, “ you can’t have a dangerous creature like this in the school.”
   
“He’s not dangerous,” Sirius yelled, almost by accident.

“He almost killed me,” Snape spat at Sirius.

“It wouldn’t have been the worst thing,” Sirius said coldly.

This drove the dagger farther into Remus’s back.  It would have been the worst thing.  If Remus ever hurt anyone, even a little weasel like Snape, he would regret it forever.  

“Please, students,” Dumbledore interjected.  “It was very irresponsible, Mr Black.  If Mr Snape had been bitten it would have meant death to Mr Lupin.”

The last four words echoed in the room.  Death. Sirius had just played with his life.  It meant that little to him.  And when his angry glare rested on Sirius once again, Sirius looked pale and devastated.
   
“We’ll discuss your discipline in my office, Mr Black, Mr Potter and Mr Pettigrew.  Right now you may help Madam Pomfrey take your friend to the hospital wing.  Mr Snape, I wish to see you at a later time as well.  And I will ask you not to mention this to anyone.  If you do, I will know, and you will have me to deal with.”

Snape looked as if he wanted to protest, but stood in silence and left the shack.  Remus and Madam Pomfrey stood to go, but not before Remus gave one last glare at Sirius who was once again pleading with his eyes.  Pleading for something he didn’t deserve.  They left the shack as well and headed toward the hospital wing.




Remus woke in the hospital wing with a splitting headache.  His hands were over his eyes before he even had a chance to look around.  A groan slipped from his mouth.

“Bad eh?”  a voice asked.

Remus opened his eyes and looked to his left where James was sitting.  He held out a goblet.  

“Pomfrey told me to give you this.  She said it would help with the headache.”  James handed him the goblet.  

“What happened?” Remus asked when he finally spoke.

“You should probably ask Sirius that.”  James was sullen.  The look Remus gave him said he wasn’t going to talk to Sirius for a long time.  “Snape went into the Willow.  We saw him on the map and I went after him.  He made it to the door of the Shack just as you were transforming.  He knows everything.”

“He’ll tell all the Slytherins,” Remus said, more to himself than to James. He felt bitter. He felt heartbroken. Betrayed. It wouldn’t be long before the school found out about his condition, and then all parents of the students would make Dumbledore throw him out.

“No, he won’t.  He promised Dumbledore.”  James didn’t sound convinced though.

“Why would Sirius do that?”  Again, Remus was asking himself.

James didn’t answer.  “Is the potion working?  How do you feel?”

“Head still hurts.  Like a massive hangover,” Remus replied.  He took another gulp of the potion.  “Where is Peter?”  He wanted to add Sirius to that question, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to see Sirius ever again. Not someone who played the role of a lover so convincingly, yet only truly cared for his ego above other people’s lives.

“He’ll be here in a minute.  He went back to the dormitory to get a book.”  James seemed to get the unasked question.  Hesitantly he added, “And Sirius will be in detention for a long time.”

“Good,” was all Remus could bring himself to say.

“He didn’t mean for you to get hurt.”  

Remus didn’t say anything.  He closed his eyes.  “My head.  Wake me when Peter gets here.”  


~~~*~~~

The final Quidditch Match of the season took place only a month later.  Remus was conflicted when James asked him, “You’ll be there, right?  I mean, we’re going to get the cup this year and I want you to be there.”

Remus found it hard to say no to James.  But it would mean he had to see Sirius.  He’d been very successful in avoiding him since their last full moon incident, and nobody mentioned it.  It had to be hard on James and Peter to have to be the go-between and Remus was sure they were taking turns with whom they spent their time.  This week it was apparently James’s turn to be with Remus.

“I don’t know,” Remus started to protest, “We’ve got exams coming up and I need to study.”

“Moony,” James said gently, “You can’t avoid him forever you know.”

Remus pursed his lips slightly. “Why not?”  he shot back.

“Because we are mates.  We have classes together.  We used to eat meals together and study together and now we can’t do any of that. And you know, Remus, it’s not really fair to do this to Peter and me.”  

James was always the brave one.  The one to say the things nobody else would but what needed to be said. Yet, he almost always knew how to say it wisely. Remus took into consideration his friends words.  

“I don’t want to place you and Peter in a precarious situation.”  He was thoughtful and continued, “I can try and be around Sirius, but you need to tell him it doesn’t mean we’re friends.  I don’t know if I can forgive him, James.  You’ve seen how the Slytherins look at me now?  They all know.  Even if Snape was told not to tell, I’m sure he did.”

James nodded.  There was no denying that.  

“I’m surprised there haven’t been orders to chuck me out.”

“Dumbledore wouldn’t let them,” James said in a tone that suggested there may have already been those orders and Dumbledore was simply ignoring them.

Remus closed his eyes.  He would be the bigger person.  He would try not to separate the four of them.  

“Okay,” he said after a moment, giving up and suddenly feeling very tired. James was right; it shouldn’t be all about him. They didn’t deserve what Sirius deserved. “But I won’t initiate anything if Sirius is involved.  And I have to see him trying to make an effort to be civil to me as well.”

James nodded. “Sirius wants to be civil to you.  He wants to be your friend again.”

“When I’m ready okay?”  Remus replied calmly.  “I’ll see you at the match.”

James nodded, happy with the compromise he got from Remus and left to put his Quidditch gear on.


~~~*~~~

“Miller has the Quaffle,” Erich Rouse called from his stand.  He’d been announcing the Quidditch matches since Remus’s second year.  He wasn’t half-bad either, but Remus supposed, it didn’t seem like too difficult a job.

“Look, James is going to get…” Peter pointed at a little red person flying around on a broom.  They were low in the stands, and it was difficult to see.  “Oh, never mind,” Peter said when James was thrown off course by a Bludger.

Sirius came up behind him and hit his own Bludger at the person who’d aimed at James.  Always very defensive of each other, Remus used to find it endearing.  And, if he wanted to be completely honest with himself, he still did.

“Potter has called a time out,” Rouse said.

The whole stand was buzzing with talk now and some were getting up to get snacks or use the loo.  Remus looked at Peter and found he missed the time they used to spend together.  Forcing his friends to divide their time between him and Sirius had caused them to drift apart as well.

“How are things with you and Annette?”  Remus asked, trying to start a friendly conversation. A familiar conversation.

“Oh, that’s over.  She’s with Brad Budgen now.” Peter shrugged, blushing only slightly.

“I’m sorry,” Remus said, feeling embarrassed and a little ashamed that he’d been so wrapped up in his own life he’d ignored his friends’ lives.

“It’s alright, I guess.  She wasn’t really my type anyway.”

Remus smiled.  If he knew what Peter’s type was, he’d find someone for him, but Remus was sure Peter didn’t even know his own type.

The match resumed and the seven Gryffindor players and the seven Ravenclaw players flew around overhead. Two hours later quite a few students had left the stands and the game was still going.  Remus supported his mates in Quidditch, but he wished the matches wouldn’t go on so long.  He really did have studying to do.

Finally, as the sun was starting to set on the horizon, Rouse announced jubilantly, “Joy Hughes has caught the snitch.  Gryffindor wins!”  The stands roared and Remus sighed with relief.  He could finally get to his Astronomy homework.  

He and Peter headed down the stands and were one of the last students to finally touch the grounds of Hogwarts.  When they walked past the dressing rooms James and Sirius walked out, meeting them.

It was almost like old times.  Sirius and James joking about the game, Peter laughing in awe.  Remus took it in.  Maybe he could forget it all.  Maybe he could go back to a friendship with Sirius.  

“Well, if it isn’t my brother the fairy,” a voice chuckled from behind them.  Remus, James and Peter turned to see Regulus and Snape standing there, arms crossed over their chests.

“Didn’t know fags could play sports,” Regulus said.  This apparently struck a chord with Sirius who turned, his wand out.

“Don’t think I won’t do it, Reg,” Sirius said, his eyes narrowed.

Regulus met his gaze with a fierce glare of his own.  They stood challenging the other for a minute.

“Forget it, Sirius,” James whispered to him.

“Potter.  Always there for him aren’t you?  And I thought it was the beast he was sodomizing,” Snape looked at Remus with a sneer.

Remus felt a fire inside him.  He wanted to hex Snape.  He wanted to blast his stupid greasy head off.  He pulled his own wand out.  Too late.  Sirius had put a hex on Regulus and was moving on to Snape.  Snape blocked the curse.

“I can understand him,” Snape moved his head toward Remus, “wanting to bugger you, but I don’t know what these gits see in you.”  

This time it was James and Remus simultaneously throwing a hex on Snape that finally shut him up.  Turning around slightly, Peter and James started to walk away.  

“They won’t bother us for a while,” James said chuckling.  

“I don’t need you defending me against my family,” Sirius said to Remus, out of breath.  It was said in a calm tone, one that may have been meant as a protective one, but it was not taken that way.

“Does your whole bloody family know about us, Sirius?”  Remus asked, hotly.

“I have no control over what my mother tells people, Remus,” Sirius shot back just as hotly.

“You used me to get back at them?”  Remus knew it sounded ridiculous when he said it, but he couldn’t stop his mouth.

“What are you talking about?”
   
“You used me to get back at Snape.  You used me for years to get your studies done.  Did you just use me to piss on your family?”  What was he saying?  Remus was feeling light-headed and just wanted to stop yelling, but he couldn’t.

“You little fuck,” Sirius said, stopping mid stride and staring at the boy he thought he knew.  “You think I used you?”

“You’re so self centred, Sirius.  You use everyone.  Use them for your benefit then throw them away.”  Remus turned and walked away.

“Fuck off, Remus,” Sirius shouted after him.

James and Peter stood watching.  And as Remus passed, he could see disappointment in James eyes.     

~~~*~~~

Months.  It had been months since Remus spoke to Sirius.  Two transformations had come and gone.  The first one he managed alone, not wanting James and Peter to risk getting in trouble.  The last one they joined him, though he still woke in pain and wishing for a brief second that Sirius were there.  Then he came to his senses and remembered why Sirius wasn’t there.  It was a betrayal.  It would have been less painful for Remus if he’d caught Sirius in bed with someone else.  He always knew Sirius was careless.  He never imagined it would extend as far as it did.  They had vowed never to tell anyone where they went each month.  Sirius broke that vow.  For what?  Revenge?  Was that all Remus was worth to him?

Sirius tried to talk to Remus.  It was getting more and more difficult to avoid him.  He was serving fewer and fewer detentions, even though he was told Sirius had them until the end of the year.  There was a night here and there when Sirius wasn’t in detention.  And on those nights he tried to reconcile himself.

“I’m sorry.  It was foolish,” he told Remus one night in the dormitory.  Foolish didn’t even begin to describe. It simply wasn’t enough for Remus anymore.

Up until then, he’d managed to shut Sirius out of his senses effectively, but that night, Sirius’s very presence angered him. Distracted him. He couldn’t take it anymore.

“You swore, Sirius.  We all swore we would never tell.  No matter what.  And you told.  And more then that, you told Snape.  It doesn’t matter if you are sorry.  It doesn’t matter how foolish you were.  It’s done.  And there’s nothing you can do to undo it.  So leave me alone.”  Remus left the room.

He walked out the portrait hole and into McGonagall’s office.  Even after hours, she was still at her desk, pouring over a book.  When she saw Remus standing at her door she closed the book quickly and motioned for him to sit. Remus sat in an armchair in front of her desk.  

“I want to change dormitories.”  He blurted it out.  It didn’t come out the way he’d rehearsed.  

McGonagall nodded her head.  “Mr Lupin, I understand,” she said rather consolingly for her usual self. It was almost as if she knew what brought up such a rash request. But she couldn’t know. She wasn’t supposed to know he was a werewolf - “But I’m afraid I don’t have anywhere for you to go.

“Dumbledore came to me a month ago and said you might come to me for counsel,” she went on, as if she could read the confused expression on Remus’s face.  “I can only tell you that we will look for new placement next year, but for now you will have to stay in your present dormitory.”

Remus looked downtrodden.  He stood to go when McGonagall stopped him.

“There is one other thing, Lupin,” she said gently.  “Dumbledore and I had considered you for Head Boy next year.  I shouldn’t tell you this, but I feel you should be enlightened.”

He stared at his professor.  He’d forgotten he was even a Prefect these past months, let alone in the running for Head Boy.  He shook his head.  “No, Ma’am.  I don’t want to be Head Boy.”  He didn’t deserve it, he almost said.

This news didn’t surprise McGonagall.  “It is your choice if you wish to accept it or not.”  She looked at him intently then asked, “Do you know of a good candidate?”

He said the first name that came to his mind.   “James.”  James was the best student Remus knew.  He was smart, good at Quidditch, and everyone looked up to him.  Well, almost everyone.

“That’s what I thought you might say.”  She looked down at her paper work and when neither said anything for another minute she said, “You may go now, Mr Lupin.”

Remus turned and left, feeling no better then he did when he entered.


~~~*~~~

“Two weeks left,” Peter said.  “You have to say something to him before the end of the year.”

“Why?”  Remus asked.

“It was stupid what Sirius did, but you seem to be blowing it way out of proportion.  It was four months ago.  I can’t handle going back and forth between you two like this.  I want it back to the way it was.”

It would never be the way it was.  It may not be a big deal to Peter; he didn’t know that Remus was so taken with Sirius.  Perhaps if Remus didn’t have those feelings for Sirius, things would be back to the way they were.  But Sirius knew how frightened Remus was of someone finding out he was a werewolf.  Sirius knew what was at stake.  And he told Snape anyway.  “It’s not about you, Peter.”  Remus put a few things into his trunk.  He wanted to get an early start on his packing.  For the first time since he started at Hogwarts, Remus was anxious to go home.

“You haven’t slept in your bed in months.  You don’t go to Hogsmeade anymore.  You just study all the time. I’m worried about you, Remus.”  Peter was sincere.

Remus appreciated his concern.  “Maybe the holiday will give me time to forget,” though he knew it wasn’t true.  He wouldn’t forget the betrayal.  But some nights, when he was laying on the couch in the common room, he missed the companionship of Sirius.  He missed having someone touch him and love him.  But, he supposed he would get over that eventually, too.


~~~*~~~

“Now arriving at Gurney Station, Paris.”  The voice on the train was soft and far away.  Remus had left Hogwarts that morning with his friends, James and Peter.  He spent the trip to London in the Prefects’ compartment.

Once the train left the London Station and Remus said his good-byes to James and Peter, he continued on to the French Ministry of Magic, where the train would dock and let the remaining students off.
 
He was relieved when he saw his mother and sister there.  Ophelia had clearly just arrived from Beaubaxtons, as her trunk, decorated with a blue crest, was sitting beside her.

“Hello, love,” his mother kissed his cheek.

They were on their way home.  To a place where Remus could forget the past year.  Where he hoped he could forget Sirius.  




   

[nikkou]

This story is absolutely wonderful! But now its on such a sad note, please write more!!